Hello Again
by My heart beats only for you
Summary: Seth having a hard time with loss, and showing that bad habits really do die hard. Warning: Some bad language. A bit of a disturbing theme. COMPLETED
1. Making mistakes

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the storyline.  
  
I still don't know how it all got so out of control. It was like any ordinary day. Ryan was off with Marissa, Dad was with Jimmy Cooper, working on some ideas for the restaurant, and Mom was at Yoga with all of the other middle-aged women on Newport. I was at home enjoying the weekend with Captain Oats, of course. I had been pathetically deep into The Dark Knight Returns issue of Batman, when I faintly heard the doorbell ring over the sound of my own voice, reading aloud as Bruce Wayne. I almost wanted to just stay and continue reading, but I remembered that Summer was planning on stopping by for some... hanging...out...time. I rolled off the bed, tossing aside Batman, and walked out of my room. The doorbell rang frantically, Summer must really want it bad... the hanging out time, that is. I jogged down the stairs, approaching the door still thinking it was Summer. I then wondered why she still rang the doorbell at all. When I opened the door, and saw that it wasn't Summer, but Anna, I raised a brow.  
  
"Uh...Hey, Anna." I said trying not to sound so disappointed.  
  
"Hey..." She said softly, while her slender arms rapped tightly around herself, as if holding the small amount of composure she held onto together.  
  
"Hey... you okay?" I said, genuine concern dripping from each word. I gave her a hard look, and she looked away from me uncomfortably.  
  
I slightly shook my head, and opened the door wider for her to come in.  
  
"Um...come in... come in..."  
  
She walked in slowly, as if she had never seen the inside of my house before. I followed her into the living room, and took a seat on the couch beside her. I turned toward her, and immediately noticed her quivering bottom lip. I had never seen her like this before.  
  
"Anna..." I began.  
  
At that moment she buried her face into my shoulder. I almost didn't think that actually happened in real life. I hesitantly lowered my hand onto her shoulder and then the other on the small of her back. I had no idea what was going on and the longer I sat there holding her close the more I needed to know. Before I had the chance to ask, not that I would, she pulled away from my shoulder to look at me.  
  
"My parents are getting a divorce." She said between sobs.  
  
"Oh, Anna. I'm so sorry."  
  
She covered her face, and she cried quietly into her hands, eventually after what seemed like forever, she uncovered her face to meet mine.  
  
"I-I just didn't know where to go..." She paused, holding her breath, "I'm sorry..."  
  
"No, no... I'm glad you know you can always come to me.... Always" I said, and moved a little closer.  
  
I reached out to touch her elbow, and she sank into my arms. I ran my fingers through her soft hair, and whispered in her ear how everything would be okay, and she began to calm down within minutes. She raised her head from my body to look at me. She looked deep into me and she never looked so beautiful. Before I knew it, I leaned in close and kissed her passionately. She pulled away from me, and pushed me back.  
  
"Seth! What are you doing?!" She stood up from the couch, and my arms fell limply onto the sofa where she sat.  
  
"A-Anna... I-I..." I truly had no words. I didn't know why I did what I did. Maybe it was my way of making Anna "feel better", or maybe this was what I wanted all along. Whatever it was, was a mistake that reopened the doors to a life I thought I left behind.  
  
"Seth, I came here for a friend... how could you use me like that?!" She said angrily, while she started gathering her things.  
  
"An-"I started, and of course she interrupted me.  
  
"You're with Summer now. How could you just cheat on her like that? Are you going to tell her?"  
  
I hadn't thought about that, but apparently I wouldn't have to think about it for long.  
  
"I think she already knows..." Summer said nonchalantly at the entrance of the living room.  
  
Didn't see that coming... 


	2. Track team material

I stood up next to Anna, looking like a deer caught in headlights... I imagine. Anna stepped away from me, establishing that she didn't want anything to do with me.  
  
"Summer... he-"Anna began.  
  
"I know..." Summer cut in, "I saw everything..." Summer was rather calm and that made me uneasy.  
  
"Summer... I-"I began but wasn't as lucky as Anna.  
  
"Save it, Seth! I don't want to hear it." She said with her arms folded across her chest. She called me Seth. She never called me Seth.  
  
"I should go... I'm sorry, Summer. I never meant for any of this to happen." Anna whispered but the whole house was so quiet you could hear Captain Oats standing on my nightstand upstairs.  
  
"I'll come with you..." Summer said, nodding her head. She didn't take her eyes off me.  
  
I watched Anna walk past Summer, open the door, and wait for her.  
  
I then tried to plead my hopeless case again.  
  
"Summer... I'm sorry, please." I said so softly, like a little boy. Was that my voice? I could feel my eyes burning. What have I done?  
  
"Seth, it's over. You're just a... a... big fat loser!" She said loudly, and stormed out of the house with Anna. They didn't even bother shutting the door. To anyone else it just sounded like a childish insult, but to me it was much more. I just stood there for a few minutes, piecing together what had just happened. My fists tightened, and I backhanded the lamp next to me, and slightly jumped when its glass broke. Did I do that? I couldn't just let her go. I bolted out the door, and ran like a mad man down the street. I'm sure the Range Rover would have been faster but at the time I wasn't thinking very clearly.  
  
"SUMMER!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!" I started screaming as my legs pumped recklessly. I screamed her name louder but she couldn't hear me or see me and I'm sure if she did, she wouldn't stop.  
  
I ran faster down the middle of the street. Even if I wanted to stop, I probably couldn't. After another fifth of a mile I figured it was fruitless, and I was completely out of breath at that point. Like I said before it was nearly impossible to stop and I just ended up tripping over my right ankle, and hitting the pavement in the process.  
  
"Fuck..." I mumbled, and rolled over onto my back. I then realized I was still in the street, and I tossed the idea of not even moving around in my head. I did, however, eventually sit up, and winced when I put the slightest pressure on my left hand. It felt like it was nearly broken, but I didn't really care. I stood up from the ground, and slowly made my way back home.  
  
I could only imagine how I looked to people on the street. This scrawny banged up Jewish kid, walking rickety down the sidewalk, looking like I had just been robbed, and possibly violated.  
  
When I finally arrived I saw that Marissa's car was parked in our driveway.  
  
"Oh, great." I moaned, and made my way to the door, that was still open. I could hear Ryan yelling my name fearfully throughout the house, and I wondered what his problem was. 


	3. Just a little more

I walked inside the house cautiously, and Marissa's eyes lit up at my presence.  
  
"Ryan, he's here!!" She yelled toward the opened backdoor, and then walked over to me, looking me up and down.  
  
"What happened?" She said, and started down at my arm that was resting across my stomach, not technically referring to my wrist.  
  
Before I could answer, Ryan ran into the house, letting out a sigh of relief at the sight of me. What was going on?  
  
"Seth... are you alright? What happened?" He said, looking me over, and then his eyes focused on my arm. He reached out and touched my wrist softly, and I stepped back.  
  
"I'm fine. Why?" I said casually. I couldn't even look at them, and when I looked away, I noticed that I had just left the broken lamp there.  
  
"Well, the front door was wide-open, and the lamp was broken. I thought something happened to you," He paused, looking down at my arm for a second time, "... and I'm guessing I was right..." He reached out once more for my arm, and I stepped back again this time into the coat rack. I was so frustrated that I roughly pushed it away from me with my good hand, and it fell over with a thump. Marissa stepped behind Ryan like she was scared of me, and I just looked down.  
  
"Seth..." Ryan began, worriedly.  
  
"I'm fine! It was an accident, okay? Jesus!" I turned around and slammed the front door. "Doesn't anyone shut a door around here?!" I said furiously, and turned back to Ryan and Marissa, who were looking at me like I was about to hurt someone... or myself.  
  
I swallowed the forming lump in my throat, and ran up the stairs into my room, slamming that door shut as well, and locking it too. I positioned myself on the bed, and covered my body with my blanket. I could hear feet pounding up the stairs, and then the knocking on the door and twisting of the knob.  
  
"I'M FINE!!" I said loudly, not angrily but forceful and clear.  
  
"Seth! Open the door!" Ryan yelled. God, why was he being so melodramatic? Then again... why was I?  
  
I uncovered myself, sat up from my bed, and walked over to my TV, pressed Power, and turning up the volume as high as it went. Full House was on.  
  
I then darted into the bathroom, locking that door as well. I took a much- needed deep breath, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Who was that? I looked back, and stared harder this time. I ran my fingers down my face, and remembered what Summer had said to me.  
  
"You're just a... a... big fat loser!" She said immaturely before walking out of my life.  
  
"BIG FAT LOSER!" Voices from the past screamed in my head.  
  
"Big fat loser... big fat loser." I said quietly to myself repeatedly.  
  
I looked away quickly, disgusted by myself, and there I saw it, my old companion. I tried looking away but it was the only thing in my life at this point that felt right, and I knew it. I twisted the knob to the sink, out of habit, and I stumbled over to the toilet, lifted the lid, kneeled down, and slowly brought my index finger to my mouth. I then processed to purge up everything I eat that day.  
  
"Just a little more..." I said to myself, and ridded my body of more "poison".  
  
"Just a little more..." I said a few minutes later, between soundless sobs.  
  
"Just a little more..." I said again weakly, and stopped minutes later when my stomach muscles were aching so badly I had to lay down.  
  
The tile was cool, and felt good against my clammy face. I closed my eyes, and began reliving memories of Junior High when I was 75 pounds over weight. 


	4. Reliving the past

As a kid I was always... chunky. I knew it, my parents knew it, and apparently all my pupils knew it too. But I never really thought of it as a problem. My mother would always say that I would, "grow out of it", and I believed her. My dad would tell me that when he was my age he was also on the stocky side, though I never saw any proof of it, but I believed that too.  
  
It wasn't till 7th grade that I became fully aware that over-weight kids were insult magnets.  
  
I remember it quite vividly to tell you the truth. I woke up early that day, positively giddy with excitement. I was now in Junior High, and I enjoyed school. I didn't have a lot of friends but I was happy with the small group I belonged too. I didn't have any previous enemies... not counting the 6th grade room pet, Donny the Dino... He was actually a lizard but we were stupid school elementary kids.  
  
Anyway, it was time for lunch, and I was walking cheerfully down the hall when suddenly a boy pushed me into a group of beautiful girls. The boy's friends howled with laughter, and the girls scoffed, and one said,  
  
"God, crush us, fatty."  
  
I moved away from the girls, mumbling a now half-hearted, "sorry", and my eyes darted to the group of boys, high fiving each other. I looked to the boy who had shoved me, and I would never forget that smirk on his cocky face for as long as I live.  
  
I nearly ran away with embarrassment, and decided to go search for my friends. It was strange. I hadn't seen them all day. I ended up sitting by myself against a wall by the soda machines, figuring my friends would get thirsty and finally spot me. I was sure they were hysterical, trying to find me. Yes, they were. Before I knew it the lunch bell rang, and I stood up from the ground, dusting myself off. I strolled over to a trashcan, and dropped my paper bag, mom had supplied with an apple, chocolate milk, and two tuna sandwiches. When I turned around, I walked right into a kid. I was about to say sorry when I realized who it was. It was the kid that pushed me earlier that day. I just lowered my head, and walked away when he grabbed my collar.  
  
"Hey... kid." He eyed me evilly, and yanked me into his circle of friends, where they began pushed me around within the circle.  
  
"What's your name?" He asked suspiciously friendly. When I didn't answer right away he pushed me harder, and I nearly knocked over one of the friends. They laughed, and continued to shove me around.  
  
"What's your name?" He asked again, and stopped my spherical motion. He turned me around to face him, and he roughly fixed my shirt.  
  
"S-Seth..." I said softy but clearly, hoping he would just stop once I gave him what he wanted.  
  
"Did you say Heff?" He blurted, and the boys laughed sadistically.  
  
"My name is Seth." I said firmly, and he eyed him.  
  
"Okay..." He began calmly, "...Heff." He pushed me out of the circle, and kicked my foot, making me practically fall.  
  
"This fatty loser thinks he can hang out with us..." He said rather loudly for everyone to here, and they did.  
  
"Bye, Heff!" They all yelled pleasantly simultaneously, and laughed more.  
  
I was nearly in tears, when I ran into the bathroom. I hadn't realized it was the girls' restroom but fortunately no one was in there. I was about to sneak out, when I heard a group of girls making their way to the bathroom.  
  
I ran into a stall, locked the door, and hoped to God that they wouldn't notice me.  
  
They giggled like one of them had just told a very humorous joke, and I unintentionally started to eavesdrop on their mindless chatter.  
  
"Oh my god, have you seen Marissa Cooper yet?" one of the girls began, "...two words, Diane: Up chuck." The girl giggled a tad, and turned the sink fossett on low.  
  
"No way. She's bulimic?" The other girl said, not sounding as shocked as she intended.  
  
"Yeah, she is. She got so thin over the summer." The first girl said, turning the sink fossett off.  
  
"She looks really good though. Luke was looking at her all day." The other girl said with a hint of jealously in her voice.  
  
"She looks really good." The first girl said, emphasizing the "really" and then she added, "...let's go to class."  
  
"Yeah." The other one said in agreement, and they existed the bathroom.  
  
I just stood there, absorbing their dialogue. Marissa Cooper was bulimic. Isn't that when you puke up your food? Marissa was already thin, and beautiful, she didn't have to do that. I cautiously unlocked the bathroom stall, and made my way out of the bathroom. I was going to be late for class... on my first day. I ran down the hallway to English, and was thankful when I saw that the teacher was looking very unprepared and the class was caught up in conversing with one another to even notice me. I took a sit at the back, and waited for the teacher to start class.  
  
The next two classes were pretty normal and uneventful but through each passing period the boy, whom I later found out was the infamous Luke, and his friend badgered me. The end of the day finally came and I couldn't be any happier. I dashed for my dad's car, and got in the passenger seat. He looked me over and should tell something was bothering me.  
  
"Seth..." He began, and for a moment there I had thought he called me Heff. "...What's wrong?" I perked up at his question, and put a slight smile on my face.  
  
"Oh, nothing..." I said coyly, and then added, "I just have a ton of homework on my first day... kind of a bummer." I looked to him and gave an Oscar Award winning ear-to-ear grin, and he believed it, and so did I. 


	5. Family dinner

During all the pitiful recapping I must have fallen asleep right there on the bathroom floor. I sat up with a grunt, and immediately removed my arm when it pressed up against cold porcelain, knowing exactly what it was. I quickly flushed the toilet, and pulled myself up with the aid of the towel rack.  
  
I didn't know how long I had slept but when I walked out of the bathroom and into my room, Full House was still on. I was relieved that I hadn't stayed there all night for everyone to get suspicious and worried. I walked over to the TV, and reached out to turn it off when the announcer said, "Stay tune for more Full House on The Full House Marathon."  
  
"Great..." I muttered and turned the power off. I then walked over to my dresser, where I opened up my sock drawer to take out a pack of Fruit Stripes gum, and pulled out a lemon flavored piece. I unwrapped the stick and popped it in my mouth. I looked down at the wrapper. The tattoo was of the Zebra riding the skateboard. I always liked that one. I went into the bathroom to place it on my forearm. I didn't dare look to Ralph, as I would often call the toilet. Get the pun?  
  
I walked up to my door, and undecidedly reached for the knob a few times, before ultimately making the decision on walking out. I unlocked the doorknob and slowly crept out facing the door when I closed it. I could hear Mom, Dad, and Ryan talking downstairs, and silverware clanging against plates.  
  
I slowly started to make my way down the stairs into the living room where I saw that the broken lamp and tilted coat rack were gone and upright, and I felt guilty. I stopped at the doorway of the kitchen, and watched them like a 17th centaury peasant boy.  
  
"Seth!" Dad suddenly said happily, and me being completely caught off guard had jumped like an idiot.  
  
"Hey..." I said quickly and smiled when Mom looked to me with bright eyes.  
  
"Hey, Sweetie. How are you feeling? Ryan said you weren't feeling too well today..." Mom said in her usual motherly tone.  
  
My eyes shifted to Ryan, who hadn't looked at me since my Don Knotts-like entrance.  
  
"Uh... yeah... I just... had a headache... and a stomachy thing... ya know?" I struggled with the excuse and walked into the kitchen toward the refrigerator.  
  
"Oh..." Mom began, "...well, are you hungry?" She got up from her seat and grabbed a plate from the counter.  
  
"No..." I began,"I couldn't eat anything right now..." I set my good hand on my stomach, and rubbed it as if it were hurting. To tell you the truth I was starving but food was the last thing I needed.  
  
"Are you sure?" Mom said concerned, and began to set the plate back down.  
  
"Yeah... I'm sure." I said unconvincingly, and opened the refrigerator door to take out a bottle of water.  
  
"Okay... well, if you're hungry later. There's plenty of food, okay?" Mom said with a slight smile, feeling bad for my unset stomach. She sat back down next to dad, and proceeded to eat. Each of their plates looked rather intact so I figured they had just been served.  
  
Dad smiled at me, and took a slip from his wineglass.  
  
I wondered if Ryan had said anything about what happened today. I wondered if he knew what I was doing in that bathroom. I wondered what he thought of me if he did know. My eyes darted to each of them, my heart started pounding anxiously like they all knew what I had done, and I abruptly blurted,  
  
"Actually... I'm feeling a lot better now..."  
  
Mom lifted her head, to look at me, and then to dad.  
  
"Oh... good..." She started, not knowing exactly where I was going.  
  
I walked over to the counter, grabbed a plate, and took a seat at the end of the table, away from everyone. I leaned over the table and grabbed the tray of lasagna, and started mounting it onto my plate. I set the tray aside, and grabbed an extra fork. I started to eat the lasagna in large amounts but slowly to not bring any attention to myself. I ate about half of the large helping, when I got the distinct feeling that I was being watched. I briefly saw my reflection beside smeared tomato sauce, before meeting Ryan's eyes studying me. He looked away when I caught him, picked up his plate from the table and took it to the sink to rinse it off.  
  
"Thanks, Kirsten." He said politely, and mom just smiled at him warmly.  
  
He then made his way back to the pool house, and I watched him until he made it inside. I looked down at my nearly empty plate, and suddenly felt sick. I pushed myself away from the dark wood table, sliding the chair back underneath, out of habit. I grabbed my plate and placed it in the sink.  
  
"Thanks, mom." I said, and proceeded to walk outside to the pool house. I knocked on the door, and walked in without listening for an answer.  
  
Ryan was sitting on the edge of his bed; he looked up at me, and said,  
  
"Hey..." 


	6. Brothers talk

"Hey..." I replied awkwardly, closing the door behind me, and stepping more into the pool house.  
  
He looked like he had a loss of words, and I watched him twiddle his thumbs.  
  
"Sorry about today..." I said, breaking the silence. I really was sorry.  
  
He shook his head kind of like the apology wasn't needed but it was done in a way that felt like maybe he didn't accepted it at all and he was just humoring me.  
  
He scooted his body to the head of the bed, looked at me, and asked very calmly,  
  
"So what happened?" He said as if he were asking someone for the time.  
  
"N-nothing." I answered back shakily and never felt so stupid.  
  
He cocked his head at me, and had this Chino know-it-all glare that nearly made me break.  
  
"I just had a rough day, alright?" I spat, and immediately regretted it.  
  
He rose his brows at me like I could fool my clueless parents but I could never fool him. It made me angry that he thought he really knew me. No one knew me, because I didn't exactly know myself. My fist tightened, and Ryan noted this.  
  
"Why'd you even come in here?" He said harshly, and moved his body back to the edge of the bed again.  
  
"I just wanted to say I was sorry." God, I sounded pathetic and Ryan just stared at me like the stubborn jerk he was. The last thing I needed was for Ryan to be mad at me. And there he sat practically mocking my attempt to make things better between us.  
  
"Fine." I said, raising my arms up in defeat, and letting them fall lifelessly against my side, which wasn't the smarted thing to do.  
  
"Oww." I whimpered childishly, and grabbed my wrist, pulling it to my chest.  
  
"You okay?" Ryan said concerned, and got up from the bed to quickly be by my side.  
  
"Like you care!" I yelled, and turned around toward the door. He grabbed my arm, and spun me around to face him. Just like Luke had done, and for a moment I saw 7th grade Luke in Ryan.  
  
"Don't ever touch me like that!" I screamed, and Ryan was simply shocked at my anger.  
  
"What is with you?!" He scouted back, and got up close to my face.  
  
"You don't know me at all..." I said letting out a saddened laugh and shook my head at him. I turned around, and left the pool house.  
  
I didn't go back to the main house just then. I decided to take a walk, and found myself throwing up all that lasagna behind a trashcan at the Crab Shack, which closes at eight thirty-one for some reason. It was about nine o'clock when I left the house so it was inevitable to run into Newport's finest, having their small get-togethers at someone's fathers beach house.  
  
I walked out onto the beach, and laid down near where the tide was coming in. I sat there for I'm guessing a few hours I had kind of lost track of time, just relaxing with my thoughts about life's woes. I sat up with a groan, and stared out at the ocean. I pressed the heel of my hand over her eyes, and felt like I was about to cry. Summer hated me. Anna hated me. Ryan knew nothing about me. Captain Oats wasn't alive. My parents had no clue. But Ralph knew me. He always made me feel better. His cold skin cooled me off when my face was hot with purging struggling, and he never judged me... not once.  
  
I got up from the sand, and made my way back him. When I walked into the foyer; Mom, Dad, and Ryan were waiting for me... they all looked pretty mad when they saw me.  
  
What now? 


	7. Parents

"Seth Cohen, where have you been?" Mom said furiously, while getting off the couch, and walking over to me.  
  
"What time is it?" I asked calmly, and she didn't like that response.  
  
"It's 11 o'clock, Seth." She answered, nodding her head as-a-matter-of-fact like.  
  
"That's not past my curfew." Again, not the best choice of replies to your irritated mother.  
  
She tilted her head at me, and placed her lean arms onto her hips.  
  
Wow... what a badass.  
  
"Seth..." Dad began, getting up, and walking over to mom, leaving Ryan behind on the now empty couch.  
  
"...We were just worried about you, son" He said in his usual Good Cop way.  
  
"Why? I just went out for a walk..." I said irritated by this pointless prying.  
  
"Well, we didn't know that, son." Dad said in that soothing tone again that was really starting to piss me off.  
  
"Yeah, we all get that I'm your son, dad. Listen, can you just ground me or whatever you were planning on doing even though I simply plum forgot to tell you I was going out for a walk which didn't go past my curfew by a whopping two hours but ya know whatever gets you to sleep at night." I said, my words pouring with exasperating sarcasm. I then proceeded to go upstairs, but was stopped by dad's death grip on my just about broken wrist.  
  
I screamed, and sank to the floor in unconceivable pain. It felt like he had finished off the thread it was hanging on by.  
  
"What is it?" Dad shouted in horror, and reached out for me.  
  
I shielded myself from him with my good hand, and scooted my body to the front door with my feet and elbow. I hit the door hard, and cradled my arm like a newborn baby. Dad jogged over to me, and squatted down, resting a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Let me see...let me see..." He said unconvincingly calm, and pulled my good arm away from it. He pressed down lightly on my wrist, and I yelped. He examined it for a few moments, then sighed, and carefully rested it back into my arm.  
  
"Oh jeez..." He said rubbing his face, "It's broken..." He finished, as if he were to blame. It actually wasn't as far-fetched as one would think for someone to grab someone else's wrist and break it by accident, and he seemed to believe that was exactly what he had done. I almost wanted to let him twist in the wind about it but I wasn't that cruel.  
  
"You didn't break it..." I began quietly, then added, "well, yeah you did but it was already messed up pretty bad..."  
  
"What happened?" Mom asked, and joined us in the foyer, also squatting.  
  
"I ate it on 54th "  
  
"Skateboarding?" Mom asked.  
  
"We'll talk about this later. We need to get you the hospital." Dad cut in, and he and Ryan helped me up onto my feet. I instantly felt dizzy, and I swayed momentarily. Dad grabbed me, and mom looked so scared. I kind of felt like a jerk about that badass crack.  
  
"Whoa, you okay?" Dad asked, still feeling guilty about my wrist.  
  
I just nodded, and put most of my weight on him and Ryan.  
  
"God, crush us, fatty." The girls voice from my past, screamed in my head, and I leaned away from them quickly.  
  
"Uh...I got it..." I said coolly, and pulled away from them, showing that I didn't need their help. It was just a break. If it were Ryan they wouldn't have been so repulsively attentive. God, I wasn't a little kid anymore.  
  
Ryan opened the front door, and I walked out of the house toward the Range Rover. Ryan ran ahead of me, and opened the passenger seat door. I clearly saw him open the door for me but I was still mad at him from earlier that night so I opened the backseat door, and got in.  
  
"Seth, I think you would sit in the front seat." Ryan said nicely but still in a superior way that made my eye twitch. I purposely didn't answer him, and he just stood there staring at me.  
  
"Ryan, let's go!" Dad said suddenly, already in the car. Mom jumped into the passenger seat, and buckled up.  
  
"Yeah." Ryan said and ran around the car into the seat next to me.  
  
It was probably the quietest drive we had ever taken as a family. 


	8. Counting the pain away

It took an awful long time to get to Newport General, a lot longer then it used too, then again all the other three times I went there was never for a broken limb. Ryan watched me like a hawk the whole way there, probably because I was mumbling to myself inaudibility. I was counting the letters in "Newport" and where each letter was at in the alphabet.  
  
7 letters, N was the 14th letter in the alphabet, E was the 5th, 23: W, 16: P, 15: O, 18: R, and 20 was T it equals 118. It was weird, I know. But it kept my mind off my wrist.  
  
"7, 14, 5, 23, 16, 15, 18, 20, 118..." I whispered to myself, and then counted the letters again in the opposite way of the alphabet.  
  
"7, 13, 22, 4, 11, 12, 9, 7, 85..." I said a little louder involuntarily, and had that feeling that I was being watched for a second time that night. I glanced over to Ryan who looked completely worried and freaked out.  
  
"You okay, man?" He asked softly not to alarm my parents.  
  
"I'm fine." I responded hastily, and frowned at the sound of my cold voice.  
  
Why was I being this way?  
  
I shook my head at my behavior, and tried again with that answer.  
  
"I mean... I'm okay... really." I said with a slight smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. Ryan half-grinned, which was like a 100-watt smile when it came to Ryan Atwood.  
  
7, 2, 18, 15, 20, 8, 5, 18: Brother.  
  
I let out a breath, and pressed my cheek up against the window, and I nearly squealed at how cold it was. I closed my eyes tightly, and tried thinking of another word I could count, and before I knew it the car stopped. I lifted my head puzzled, and noticed that my mom was getting out of the car.  
  
"Are we there?" I asked loudly but it came out in a whisper that nobody heard.  
  
"Open the door, honey." Mom suddenly said sympathetically, and I practically jumped out of my seat. I leaned away from the door, and unlocked it. She opened the door for me, and reached for my shoulder to help me out of the SUV. I smiled at her appreciatively, but got out myself.  
  
"I got it, Mom."  
  
We all made our way to Urgent Care, my parents and Ryan surrounding me like Snoop Dog's "posse". Dad ran ahead of us, grabbed a wheelchair, and started rolling it toward me.  
  
"Wow, Dad, that's real nice of you to do that for Mom." I said in my normal Seth Cohen derisive way, and they just all looked at me gleefully annoyed.  
  
"How wimpy is that? Oh, I know. Incredibly wimpy. Dad, no...no" I whined, shaking my head, and walked the rest of the 30-feet to the entrance.  
  
I shuddered at the coldness that hospitals always gave out, and wrapped my good arm over my shoulder. Wow, that really helped. We walked into the ridiculously crowded waiting room slash sign in area, and took seats separated from each other because it was so packed. I sat next to an overweight man, who had burned his arm pretty badly, while Dad got all that paperwork for him and mom to fill out.  
  
The girl on the other side of me was in her early 30s and I'm sure she was normally a very attractive woman but when you've got the flu you never look like American's Top Model.  
  
Flu...  
  
"3, 6, 12, 21, 42." I said, and she looked at me strangely. I just smiled back and sank down in my seat.  
  
It actually wasn't that long until my name got called, and the large man next to me wasn't too happy with that.  
  
"I've been here for a fucking hour and a half, and Richie Rich is here for 15 minutes and goes in before me?! I don't think so!" He stated loudly... in my ear. I hurriedly walked over to the nurse, in fear of my life.  
  
"HEY! I'm talking to you, lady!" He screamed at the nurse, and pushed down an innocent surgeon passing by. Thankfully someone called for Security, and they took the guy away.  
  
Mom, Dad, and Ryan stayed in the waiting room while I got my X-Rays taken. The whole X-Ray procedure would have all been really interesting if, number one, my wrist didn't hurt extremely bad, and number two, they weren't positioning it in every freakin' way possible for pictures.  
  
The X-Rays confirmed that my wrist was indeed broken, "clean snap" the doctor had described it, and it didn't make me feel any better. 


	9. Hospital conversations

Ryan had come back with me while I got my cast on. I choose traditional off- white because the only other option was pink. Not exactly the best color for me.  
  
"So, how did you fall, Seth?" The doctor asked, while taking a look at my wrist.  
  
"Was it like this?" He inquired, and bent his own wrist back so his fingers were nearly touching his forearm.  
  
I shook my head, and looked bout his office. He said something else that I didn't hear and he touched my shoulder to get my attention.  
  
"Hm? What'd you say?" I asked.  
  
"I asked you if it bent this way..." He said again, and bent his wrist forward.  
  
"Yeah." I said, nodding my head.  
  
"Alright, then..." He replied, and looked over to Ryan for a moment, then back to me, "let's get goin' so you two can get out of here." He smiled at me, and I just knew he would offer me a "wollipop" when he finished.  
  
He wrapped damp bandages around my wrist and up my arm, thankfully not above my elbow, and then he placed the cast on. His pager went off, and he slowly set my arm down on my thigh. He checked his pager, and then looked to me.  
  
"I'm sorry. I've got to take this. I'll be back in a few moments." He stated, and exited the room, leaving Ryan and me alone. It was utterly still, and then Ryan finally broke the silence by asking,  
  
"So what were you counting before?"  
  
"It's stupid." I replied a few moments after, and he gave me this look that said, "Tell me"  
  
"Letters... I was counting letters."  
  
"How?" He asked.  
  
"Okay.... How" I said, and counted the letters aloud, "Three letters in How... H is the eighth letter in the alphabet. O is the fifteenth, and W is the twenty-third. Now add them up. Three plus eight plus fifteen plus twenty- three. So it would be..." I paused, adding it up in my head, and opened my mouth to answer.  
  
"Forty-nine..." Ryan interrupted, nodding his head.  
  
I glared at him playfully, and he got up from the chair.  
  
"Yeah, well, it's easy to add them all up after you figure out where each letter is at in the alphabet." I replied.  
  
"You seem pretty good at it." He said, picking up a utensil, and observing it.  
  
"I've had a lot of practice."  
  
He looked back at me, about to ask another question, when the doctor came through the door.  
  
"Hey... I'm back." He announced, and walked over to me, "How's it feel?"  
  
"Hard." I replied, tapping the cast with my finger.  
  
"Good." He said, then added, "let me just get you a sling and you'll be out of here." He walked over to a cabinet, and eyed Ryan who was holding his stethoscope, and Ryan put it down with an embarrassed smile. He pulled out a blue sling, and adjusted it for me, and placed it over my shoulder and on my arm.  
  
"All set." He said with a smile.  
  
"Great." I responded, and got up from the small bed. I felt lightheaded again, and my knees buckled under my weight, and I would have fell if the doctor hadn't caught me.  
  
"Whoa, there." The doctor said, and helped me regain my balance, "are you alright?"  
  
I nodded my head, but that didn't stop Ryan.  
  
"That's the second time that happened tonight, Seth." Ryan said worriedly.  
  
"I'm fine, Ryan" I answered, and then looked to the doctor, "I'm fine... really."  
  
"Alright..." He said not sounding very convinced but then he added, "see you in a few weeks."  
  
"Right." I nodded, and Ryan and I left the room.  
  
We walked down the hall, and I stopped him before we came to the door, and he looked at me strangely.  
  
"Listen... don't tell Mom and Dad about that back there. I don't want them to get all overly worried and smother me because I'm a wimp that gets dizzy." I said, smiling, and hoping he would just buy it.  
  
"Alright..." He said after a few moments and opened the door for me.  
  
We both walked out of the door, and were instantly met with Mom and Dad, who were waiting by the door. We made our way through the crowd of people, and out to our car. We all got in and Dad started up the engine, and pulled out.  
  
"So quite the night we all had." He said with a small chuckle and glanced at me in the mirror.  
  
I looked over to Ryan who was staring out of the window, and I wondered if he was onto me. I sighed, and rested my head on door. I closed my eyes, and wanted nothing but sleep. It felt like it had only been a few seconds, when someone shook my shoulder.  
  
"We're home..." 


	10. Home

My eyes felt like they had been sealed shut, and I struggled to open them. I groaned, and lifted my head from the door, instantly grabbing the back of my neck and rubbing deep circles to get the knot out.  
  
"We're home, kiddo..." Dad said again compassionately while leaning over the passenger seat. I opened my door, and stepped out, feeling completely dazed. Mom and Ryan were nowhere in sight, and Dad and I slowly started making our way up to the house. He hung his arm over my shoulder and my body instantaneously stiffed up. How I loathed being touched, especially at the time.  
  
Dad took notice of my sudden body change, and lifted his arm a tad.  
  
"Did I hurt you?" He asked apprehensively, and stopped.  
  
I nodded my head; a silent lie, and he retreated his arm back to his side.  
  
"I'm sorry." He said sincerely, and went back to the car to shut the doors.  
  
God, I'm such an asshole.  
  
I walked into the house alone, and for some reason it looked much different to me this time, like something was missing.  
  
"Seth, honey, are you hungry?" Mom called from the kitchen, and I couldn't get my voice loud enough for her to hear me. I dragged my feet into the kitchen, and winced when the bright lights hit me.  
  
There wasn't anything in the world I wanted more then food and sleep. My stomach was practically screaming at me to eat something, but he was my enemy and he feed off my failure. So, I guess sleep would have to do alone tonight.  
  
"No, thanks, Mom. I'm just gonna go to sleep." I replied just above a whisper, while rubbing my tired eyes raw.  
  
"Alight, baby..." She started, walking over to me and planted a wet kiss on my temple and the tip of my ear, "goodnight... I love you." She added, and went back to filling up her coffee filter for the morning.  
  
"Night." I told her, and walked out of the kitchen toward the stairs.  
  
I just about crawled up the flight of steps with my broken arm wrapped across my stomach, and my functioning one aiding me. It seemed like it took me eternity just reaching the halfway point, and when I finally did arrive at the top I was completely wiped out.  
  
From there I walked over to my bedroom, opened the door, and closed it behind me using the heel of my foot. I flipped on the light switch, kicked off my shoes, slipped out of my pants, and pulled off my shirt, which got caught on my cast. I then walked over to my dresser, took out a navy blue t- shirt, and threw it on. I gradually made it to my bed, where I collapsed onto the comforter, which felt like unsticky marshmallows.  
  
"Ahhh..." I practically orgasmed, and curled up in the sheets like a human taco.  
  
I heard a knock at the door, and peeked my head out of the blankets.  
  
"What?" I called, and struggle out of the sheets.  
  
"Can I come in?" Dad asked, and I knew his hand was already gripping the knob, ready to come in.  
  
"Yeah, come on in." I said rolling my eyes, and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting.  
  
I could hear the door open and close and the sound of his feet shuffling into my room. He went over to my bed where he took a seat next to me. We just sat there for a couple of moments; I didn't know what would come out of his mouth, and it made me a little uneasy.  
  
"So..." Dad finally spoke up, "what happened today?" He asked calmly.  
  
"I fell, and not like "I fell" meaning I got beat up or slammed my fist into a wall, I actually fell." I said truthfully and I just knew he wouldn't buy it.  
  
He just nodded his head, and looked down at his entwined fingers.  
  
"What were you doing that caused you to fall?" He asked like I was an idiot.  
  
Why was he grilling me? He should be pleading for my forgiveness. He broke my wrist!  
  
"What kind of question is that, Dad?" I replied loudly, and stood up from the bed.  
  
He just looked up at me, still sitting on my bed.  
  
"After you went out for your walk we heard about what happened today." He informed me.  
  
I let my head drop in defeat, but quickly pulled it back up.  
  
"What did you hear?" I requested, straightening my posture.  
  
What did Ryan tell them?  
  
"That you were very upset... That you broke a lamp and threw down the coat rack." He said, also standing up.  
  
"That's total bullshit!" I spat, and his eyebrows rose at my language.  
  
"First off, I didn't mean to knocked over the lamp, secondly I didn't throw down the coat rack I pushed it away from me and it accidentally fell over, I can't believe Ryan would say all that!" I said quickly and loudly.  
  
"Ryan didn't..." He stated, "Marissa Cooper called, she was worried about you and frankly, so are your mother and I."  
  
MARISSA COOPER!? AND WHO SAYS FRANKLY!?  
  
"What?" I asked despairingly, feeling completely confused by all this.  
  
Marissa had ratted me out? Who the fuck did she think she was?  
  
"Son..." Dad began, and walked closer to me, "just talk to me."  
  
I backed away from him, and looked directly at him when I talked.  
  
"There's nothing to talk about, Dad. I had a bad day, that's all. People have bad days." I told him.  
  
"So then Marissa is lying?" He asked evenly.  
  
"Yes, she's full of crap." I answered back.  
  
"Alright... I believe you." He told me sincerely and I didn't believe him.  
  
"Okay." I replied not knowing where he was going with it. He walked over to me, and placed his hands lightly on my shoulders.  
  
"I love you, Seth. If something is ever bothering you, I hope you know you can always come to me... or your mother." He said sadly, and brushed the hair out of my eyes.  
  
Stop it... stop loving me...  
  
He looked at me hard, kissed my forehead, and exited my room, leaving me standing there. I stood there, right where he left me, for a good five minutes. I sighed, and proceeded to pick up my pants from the floor, and put them back on. I grabbed my shoes from different areas, and slipped them on. I couldn't just let this go... I had to see Marissa. 


	11. Confrontation

I walked over to my dresser, opened the drawer, took out another stick of Fruit Stripes, and brought it to my mouth. It was orange, and I glanced down at the tattoo on the wrapper. For a moment there I could have sworn I saw the Zebra purging. I shut my eyes tightly, reopened them, and look a closer look. He was actually on skies... they were similar... anyone could have made that mistake. I shook my head, and slide the wrapper into my pocket. I then made my way over to the door, where I quietly opened it, peeked my head out to make sure the coast was clear, and slithered out of my room into the hall. It was probably around one o'clock, and I had no idea where Marissa would be.  
  
I slowly made my way down the stairs, and out the front door. I shut it very softly, and grabbed my skateboard that was leaning up against the wall next to the door outside. I jogged down the driveway, and stopped when I saw that Marissa's car was now parked in her mom's driveway. I narrowed my eyes, and tossed my skateboard onto the wet grass. I swiftly walked over to the house, cutting through the yard. I marched up to the door, where I rang the doorbell a couple times too many. To my surprise, Marissa answered the door hurriedly. She must have just got there.  
  
"Seth... what are you doing here?" She asked me just above a whisper, and stepped out of the house.  
  
"Where do you get off calling my parents?" I asked her angrily, getting straight to the point of this late night visit.  
  
"Seth..." She began, and closed the door behind her quietly. She looked down at my arm, and looked back up at me, "What happened?" She asked concerned but that didn't stop me.  
  
"You tell me, Marissa. You sure like making up stories." I spat out, getting a little louder.  
  
"I was just worried about you... I had never seen you like that before. I didn't know what to do, I'm sorry." She said full heartedly, and stepped closer to me.  
  
"You never seen me like that before? You just realized I existed for the first time in sixteen years because of Ryan. How would you know if I was ever "like"that before? And what does that even mean? Upset? People get upset, Marissa." I said furiously without taking a breath.  
  
She sighed, looking down at the ground, and dug her hand into her pocket.  
  
"Summer told me what happened." She stated, and brought a white piece of paper from out of her pocket, "She wanted me to give you this. I was actually just about to go to your house. I just came back from hers. She was pretty upset." She told me calmly.  
  
I was completely speechless, and all I could do was stare at the note. I was terrified of what it would say. Summer wasn't even a note-writing type. She's the kind of girl that tells you right to your face.  
  
Marissa slowly brought her hand up to me, and I took the letter without even realizing it. She looked down for a moment, then back to me, meeting my gaze.  
  
"Bye..." She said, and went back into the house.  
  
I blinked a few times, then slowly made my way down her driveway, where I took a seat on the curb, and I hesitantly unfolded the letter. I then proceeded to read through the letter with intense concentration.  
  
The letter was short but it said everything that needed to be said. I just sat there, and told myself not to cry. She had cheated on me the night before and was going to tell me today in hopes that I would forgive her for the horrible thing she had done. That was the reason she told me she was planning on stopping by. But I had broken her heart, and the worse part was that I would have probably begged Anna not to tell her. I would have lied to her. The only person who was worth any of this didn't love me anymore. I felt like I had nothing to live for.  
  
I let the note slip out of my hands, and it fell to my feet. Everything felt so surreal. None of this was really happening, was it? Lives just don't get ruined in one day, do they? No, no, this is all wrong. I stood up from the curb, and walked back to my yard to retrieve my skateboard. I felt like screaming. I had no one I could talk to who would understand. I had no one.  
  
I threw my skateboard hard against the ground, and covered my face with my hands. I paced the road back and forth, my head in a complete whorl. What was I going to do? I had no way of getting to Summers. I couldn't skate there it was too far, and even if I wanted to try I couldn't because in my fit of rage I had broken it.  
  
"Damnit." I said to myself.  
  
Wait, I could ask Marissa to take me. Even though I just verbally attacked her she seemed pretty sympathetic. I jogged up to her front door again, and knocked a few times.  
  
Come on... answer.... please answer.  
  
The door cracked open, and I stepped forward.  
  
"Marissa, I know this is a lot to ask but-"I was cut off by Julie Coopers, unmake-uped face, looking completely interrupted from her much needed beauty sleep.  
  
"Oh, Mrs. Cooper. I'm so sorry I woke you. I just needed to talk to Marissa." I explained politely, and she looked like she was about to murder me.  
  
"Hang on..." She said to my surprise, and disappeared into the house.  
  
I stood there for a few moments until at last Marissa emerged into the doorway.  
  
"Yeah?" She asked, and wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm.  
  
"Listen, I know this is a lot to ask but can you please take me to Summers? I-I need to see her. Please, Marissa. I have no one else to ask." I begged, and her face softened a bit.  
  
Maybe my patheticness was finally good for something.  
  
"Seth..." She began sadly and I knew that wasn't a good sign, "I wish I could but Summer's my best friend..." She paused, running her fingering across the back of her neck, "and I really don't think it's a good idea."  
  
I hated her. I hated her because I'm sure she was right. She knew Summer better then anyone, including me, all the better to ask her an important question,  
  
"Does...does she hate me?" I asked, closing my eyes momentarily. I looked back at her, and she really didn't need to even say it.  
  
"Seth... you... you really hurt her." She clarified with a heartbreaking expression upon her face, and then she added, "Sometimes she doesn't exactly tell me how she's feeling... but I know she cares about you... a lot." She reached her hand out to me, and squeezed my bicep. I accepted the gesture, and half smiled to her.  
  
"Thanks... and... I'm sorry about earlier. Do you think we can just keep this between us? I just... don't want to deal with Ryan and my parents bugging me about it."  
  
She nodded her head understandingly, and released her hand from my arm.  
  
"Don't worry about it." She reassured me, and gave me a hug.  
  
It felt good having someone on my side. Not precisely the person I would want but it would have to do.  
  
"Thanks..." I mentioned, as she pulled away from me, "Goodnight, Marissa" I added, finally letting her go to bed.  
  
She made her way back to the doorframe, giving me one last caring smile, while she slowly started to close the door, but not without finally saying,  
  
"Goodnight, Seth." 


	12. Off the deep end

I stood there on her porch for a few moments, just letting everything sink in. My stomach moaned of malnutrition, and I was becoming accustomed with the baseball-size lump that formed in my throat. I let out a sad laugh, my lip quivered and my body was shaking from the light breeze hitting my sweat- drenched shirt. I absentmindedly made my way back to the curb, my eyes focused on my skateboard lying in the grass. I leaned over with a grunt, and held it in my hands. I took a closer look and saw that just the kingpin which was supporting the truck had split down the middle. I could probably take the time to fix, but I could always just get a new one.  
  
Wait, what was I talking about? My relationships with Summer and Anna were fucked and all I can think about is my stupid skateboard?!  
  
My teeth cracked beneath the pressure of my clenched jaw. I had this feeling of complete helplessness that twisted my stomach in knots. I felt like screaming and kicking like a leashed toddler in Macys. I felt like someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest and dangled it just above my reach. I felt utterly alone, and I did the last thing I would ever think of doing at a time like this.  
  
Bouts of empty, harsh, maniacal laughter poured out of my mouth. It was actually all quite humorous; my life turning into shit an all. I stopped pretty quickly at the thought, my grin faded, and my rapid heartbeat grew with anger. I closed my eyes tightly, and I could feel myself start to tear up. No, I wouldn't cry. I choked down that fucking lump lodged in my throat, held the skateboard at the nose, lifted it high into the air, and bought the center of it down, hard against the curb. It made a thunderous slapping noise, which echoed so loudly that it made the dogs of Newport cry.  
  
To my surprise it barely made a scratch but obviously I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time. I brought it back and slammed it again. This skateboard was everything I was and I wanted it destroyed. I smashed it over and over for god only knows how long and how many times. Now I was making real damage and it felt good. I swung it around and hit the light post near me; I jumped at the sound, and plowed the skateboard into the curb chaotically again and again until something big tackled me to the pavement.  
  
I scrambled to my feet, searching for my attacker, and meeting him face to face.  
  
"Luke, Wh-what're doing here?" I asked out of breath.  
  
"Me? What are you doing, Cohen?" He said with droopy eyes centered at the trashed board in my hands, while his left foot swung back to met his right.  
  
"You're bleedin`, man." He stated, looking fairly uncomfortable with my behavior.  
  
Was Luke Ward scared of me?  
  
I gazed down at my shaky hands, and saw that they were in fact bleeding. I dropped the board onto the ground, and curled my fingers into my palms, only making the slices the loose wood and grip tape had made sting.  
  
"Why are you here?" I inquired calmly with a deep raspy voice and for a moment there I felt bigger and stronger then him.  
  
"I drove Norland home. He was so shitfaced." He explained with a small chuckle, while his hands tossed around in his pockets as if he were searching for change. I could detect that he was a bit nervous.  
  
"I was just on my way home when I see this kid going postal in the middle of the street..."He continued, "I would have just said "Screw it" and kept on going... but... uh... you were in my way." He finished with a laugh.  
  
Typical...  
  
"Ah..." I replied, rapping my arms around myself tightly. God, it was cold.  
  
"So, uh, are you, um, okay here then?" He asked after clearing his throat. He sounded as uncomfortable asking the question as I felt hearing it.  
  
"Yeah, I'm good, man." I nodded, kicking some pebbles around.  
  
"Cool." He responded quickly, bobbing his head also. He hesitated for a moment, then slowly walked back to his still running truck, hoped in, and drove off with Seger blaring.  
  
I suddenly felt drained. I picked up the board beneath me and to my surprise it finally snapped. I grabbed the two pieces and tossed them into our trashcan before dragging my worn down body back to the house.  
  
I crawled up the stairs, dodging all the spots that I knew were creaky. I didn't even bother undressing when I collapsed onto my bed. My wrist ached, my stomach cried, and the wounds on my hands throbbed to the beat of Pedro the Lion, playing ever-so-quietly in the background. My eyes fluttered shut, and my body relaxed, and I let myself sort of recap the day. I didn't like most of it so I just fast forwarded until 10 minutes ago with Luke.  
  
Luke...  
  
Luke had seen me in my fit of crazed rage...  
  
He would tell everyone...  
  
He would tell Ryan!!  
  
OH GOD!!  
  
I leapt from my bed in horror, and darted for the phone. I was in mid-dial when I realized that I didn't even have his number. Marissa did!! Wait... it was three am, I couldn't call her, I bothered her enough night.  
  
What should I do? What should I do?  
  
I paced my room frantically, racking my tired brain for some sort of a solution. My body was wide-awake but my eyelids felt heavier then my heart was. I nearly burned a trail of worry into the carpet when I finally got an idea.  
  
True, I didn't have Luke's number, but I did, however, knew where he lived. I would stay up the rest of the night, all that was left of it anyway, and go over to his house at a reasonable time. I would then plead for him to keep my insanity under wraps and offer him whatever he wanted. Now I could only pray he has some sort of compassion.  
  
I let out a sigh, and wiped the sweat forming on my brow. I went to my dresser, and took out my beloved Fruit Stripes pack, yanking out a random favor, and letting the Peachy goodness rule my mouth. I walked over to my door, opened it up, and left my room where my oh-so-toasty and comfy bed was calling to me. 


	13. XIII

I took my time going down the stairs, forgetfully letting my wounded hand slide down the banister.  
  
"Fuck..." I hissed quietly to myself, as I entered the den.  
  
I had about four hours to kill before I could go see Luke so I did the only thing any red-blooded American teenage boy would have done in a time like this... I played videogames.  
  
I walked over to the television where my Playstation 2 was already setup. I turned the volume all the way down and positioned myself directly in front of the TV. I turned the system on and I swear I could feel my pupils dilate.  
  
Oh, how I loved Grand Theft Auto. It definitely did a great job taking my mind off things and before I knew it, four minutes of killing whores and beating up innocent by-standers became four hours.  
  
I turned the television off and shut down Ps2. I stood up from the floor with a grunt, and the sound of my own back cracking loudly nearly made me jump.  
  
I eventually learned to block out the constant groaning of my stomach and the pain of it was starting to go unnoticeable to me.  
  
I walked out of the den and toward the kitchen where I turned the coffeemaker on. I really did love coffee. The warmth running throughout my body always gave me this safe feeling like I had all the positive spiritual figures watching my back... kind of like how I feel with Ryan... or felt with Ryan.  
  
I sighed as all the events from the last 48 hours came flooding back to me. It was funny how I tried tricking myself into believing nothing had happened, and that nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong.  
  
The blinking light on the coffeemaker informing me that the coffee was ready yanked me away from my thoughts. I made my way over to the coffeemaker, where I poured myself a nice big cup. I leaned up against the counter, and thought of how I could get myself over to Luke's.  
  
Well, now that wasn't three am I could probably go over to Marissa's and get his number from her... or a ride...  
  
Does begging sound better in person?  
  
Was Marissa even awake?  
  
It was Saturday. Some people, like me, enjoy getting up early to watch cartoons, or do.... other early-type things, right? Sure, they do!  
  
I took a big swig of coffee, set the mug down on the table, and started for the door. I turned the knob, and walked out, shutting the door behind me. I stopped for a moment, and watched the sun come up. Summer and I did that a lot... we'd watch the sunrise every Friday and Saturday. She wasn't there now though. I looked away quickly, and jogged down the driveway over to Marissa's house.  
  
I scratched the back of my head as I approached her doorstep, and froze when I heard shouting. I didn't want to listen but it sounded pretty bad. I couldn't exactly make out words but I could tell it was Marissa... and I could tell she was frantic... something was very wrong. I almost wanted to barge in and see what all the fuss was about but I didn't. Instead, I knocked on the door and twisted my shirt as I waited for a response... if any.  
  
The door swung open, and a distressed Marissa stood in the frame.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked, pulling my hands away from my now crinkled shirt.  
  
"Luke was drunk last night and he got into an accident." She said quickly with a sniffle at the end, closed the door, and hurriedly walked toward her car.  
  
In some weird way I felt responsible. I guess I didn't exactly assume he had been drinking last night, seeing that he was on his way home after dropping off his smashed polo buddy. I must have been so caught up in myself and my own problems that I didn't notice if he were drunk or not. Thinking back on it, he seemed fine. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Marissa about my encounter with Luke last night but I didn't.  
  
"Is he in the hospital?" I asked idiotically.  
  
I mean, she wouldn't have been so upset if he had just gotten a little bump on the head, right?  
  
She nodded her head once to my question, and started to unlock the car door.  
  
"Are, are you going to see him?" I asked, standing right behind her.  
  
"Yes." She told me, and got in, starting the engine up.  
  
I quickly ran around to the other side, and hopped into the passenger seat, while the car started backing out of the driveway. She stopped and looked at me for a moment, yet, she didn't protest.  
  
I wondered why she was so upset about Luke. Sure, they dated for a couple years and I guess they were still friends but somehow it felt like it was more then that. She was terrified like if he wasn't alright she wouldn't know what to do with herself. Then again, she did call my parents when she was worried about me. I never realized she was that big on friendship.  
  
We got to Newport General pretty quickly, a lot faster then we did when I broke my arm. We made our way inside, immediately meeting up with Luke's parents in the waiting room. Marissa hugged his mother tightly, and I kind of felt like I didn't belong there at all.  
  
"How's he doing?" Marissa asked his parents, and by the behavior of Luke's mom, who was sobbing uncontrollably, it seemed like he was dead and buried.  
  
"He's still in surgery." Luke's father told us, calmly, while Luke's mother paced the cold hospital floors, a Rosary clutched in her hands.  
  
Luke was Catholic?  
  
I rubbed the back of my head nervously, the cast chafing my neck. Luke's mother abruptly stopped directly in front of me, grabbed the arm at my side, and placed the Rosary inside my hand, folding my fingers over tightly... almost painfully. I looked down at it, then back to her, her complexion as white as snow.  
  
I was speechless, and I believed she sensed my guilt, as slight as it was. She looked straight into my eyes, as she squeezed my hand more and more, her nails digging into my flesh.  
  
I could feel everyone watching us, and Luke's dad finally approached us, grabbing her hands, calmly trying to loosen her unwavering clinch. She let go suddenly, and passed out cold into his father's arms. I just stood there, as nurses flocked to her limp body.  
  
"Seth, what- are you alright?" Marissa asked confused.  
  
"I have to go." I told her, never taking my eyes off his mother.  
  
"I'll take you home, okay?" She assured me, and she did. 


	14. XIIII

The car ride back home was quiet. I think Marissa was talking and music was playing but I didn't hear either of them. I ran my fingers up and down the beads of the Rosary. The little figure of Jesus on the cross always made me laugh. As kid I wondered what that little man was doing on that huge Addison sign.  
  
Marissa nudged my arm to get my attention, and my eyes slowly came up from the Rosary to meet hers.  
  
"So?" She asked inquisitively, and I shook my head in confusion.  
  
"Where you listening to me?" She asked with a mix of concern and a pinch of annoyance in her voice.  
  
"Sorry... what did you say??" I requested softly, shielding my eyes from the sun that was peeking beneath the visor.  
  
"A lot." She told me with a laugh, turning her head back to the road.  
  
I wondered why she was being so nice to me. Ever since my mental breakdown at the house the other day, she'd been all... there for me. I guess I was wondering a lot more then I had thought because without even thinking I came out with it.  
  
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I blinked, surprised by my own question.  
  
She looked over at me, almost surprised herself.  
  
"I'm nice to you..." She told me as a matter of fact, and then furrowed her brow debatably, "Right?"  
  
"Yeah, but..." I began, pick and choosing my words wisely, "Just lately... you seem... genuinely concerned about my well-being... I mean, let's face it, we're not exactly friends. Our link is Ryan... the whole being neighbors since birth thing never really bonded us..."  
  
She looked kind of upset... or maybe hungry, and I was about to apologize for whatever I said that made her offended... or hungry. But she cleared her throat and explained to me.  
  
"I'm just on your side here, I guess. Even though Summer's my best friend... she really screwed up, and I'm not just going to look pasted that. I'm not the kind of person who takes sides in a relationship, simply because I'm a little closer to one of them. She was wrong here, and I'm just trying my best to do what I think is right."  
  
What was she talking about? Summer was wrong? She cheated on me but so did I. We were both wrong. How could she just look pasted the fact that I messed up too? I was about to straighten out little Miss Cooper, when she yet again opened up her big flap she called her mouth.  
  
"God..." She said, shaking her head sadly, "I can't believe she was doing that behind your back..."  
  
My head lifted slightly, and I let her continue.  
  
"And then she tried to throw all the guilt on you about Anna when she was with Luke the whole time." She persisted angrily.  
  
Luke...  
  
"What?" My voiced cracked, my heart jerked, and my body went cold.  
  
What was Marissa saying? WHAT WAS SHE SAYING?!  
  
"You, you knew didn't you? The letter- She told you. She told me she told you!" She explained panicky, horrified at what she had done.  
  
Luke was scared of me that night. He was scared because of what he had been doing with Summer behind my back. He was scared because he though that I knew.  
  
With all the commotion Marissa hadn't seen the other car swerve in our lane, and before she could get out of the way, he hit us.... hard. She lost control of the car and we spun momentarily, eventually stopping in the middle of the intersection, it was the same street I ran down after Summer.  
  
The continuous sounds of metal colliding made me frantic as I scrabbled for the handle, but when I tried to open it, it jammed from of the impact of the other car. I was suddenly Claustrophobic and all I wanted to do was run. It didn't matter where I was going or where I would end up. I just wanted to be anywhere but here.  
  
Cars were everywhere, and people were yelling. Babies cried, and horns were honking. But I couldn't get out. I needed to get out.  
  
I turned around to see if Marissa was alright, and saw that she was bleeding from her forearm. The site of another person's blood always made me a little queasy. She had her hand wrapped tightly around the gash, stopping the trickle of blood.  
  
"Marissa?" I asked, and she looked from her arm to look at me.  
  
"I'm okay." She reassured me, while removing broken glass from the windshield off her clothes. She tried to open her door, but it was also jammed, and I could feel my throat closing like a heavy metal gate.  
  
"Help! Help!" I cried, bringing my knees up to my chest, and thrusting my feet into the windshield. It cracked more but I still wasn't free. I continued to do this until my feet went though.  
  
"Seth!" Marissa yelped, as I pulled back my bloody leg.  
  
"It's okay." I told her, while taking off the first layer of shirts I was wearing, and wrapped the shirt around my fist and arm.  
  
"Watch out." I ordered, as I cleared away the rest of the glass for us to get out safely. I climbed out onto the hood, and hopped out onto the ground on her side. I tried opening her door from the outside yet it was still not cooperating. I lifted myself back on the hood and reached inside to help Marissa out.  
  
"Come on..." I said, and she grabbed my forearm, holding on with all her might. I pulled her out carefully, and we both stood on the hood for a minute, looking out at all the damage that had been done. No wonder helped us when I called. Cars were on fire, and people were hysterical. A car had gone through a building. Fortunately, it was still fairly early so the building was still pretty empty.  
  
We hopped off the car, and tried making our way through the panic-stricken crowds. There were a couple of ambulances, one of which was blocking our only way out. A very pregnant woman was being strapped onto a gurney, while her husband and daughter were being pulled out of the wreckage.  
  
In almost every direction someone was bleeding, and had to look down. I pressed the heel of my hand above my eye, and swallowed that climbing lump down my throat, making it feel sore and dry.  
  
The EMT workers parked the woman right beside me, and I couldn't help but look. She was so scared and confused. What a hopeless feeling of not knowing if your family was alive or dead. I stood over her, and looked down at the Rosary still enveloped in my hand. I don't know why I still had it, I wasn't even Catholic. I leaned over slowly, and carefully placed it inside her hand, gently folding over her fingers. She looked at me like I was an angel, and I let her believe it. She smiled peacefully, as they placed her into the ambulance.  
  
I never did find out her name or the state of her and her family's conditions. I thought about it a lot though, and I hoped everyday that she would never remember my face as her guardian angel. I was no angel. I was a walking curse. 


	15. XV

I sat on the curb in a dazed kind of state. For some reason my eyes were practically glued to all the turmoil. Paramedics were treating people left and right. Thankfully, none of the injuries were anything serious. The cut on Marissa's arm wasn't all that bad once all the blood was cleaned off. My eyes wandered around despairingly, as an older gentleman patched up my leg.  
  
I think I might have been in shock, everything seemed so unbelievably surreal. Ya know how people say, "It happened so fast."? Well, they weren't lying. Marissa had told me she was going to call our parents and I've been sitting here ever since. The man taking care of me was a little unsympathetic with the rubbing alcohol.  
  
I hissed silently, as I anxiously twiddled my thumbs, waiting for Marissa to return.  
  
"You alright, boy?" The man asked me, as if it were required rather then actually being concerned.  
  
I nodded my head feebly, and he still slapped my shoulder, and hobbled off.  
  
I rested my head onto my knees, and wrapped my arms around my shins tightly. I started to recall the events leading up the first time I met Ralph. Well, in a whole different way at least.  
  
It had been three weeks into the new school year of 7th grade. Every day for those three weeks Luke Ward and his bunch hassled me, and every day for those three weeks I tolerated it. I probably wouldn't have let anyone know about the happenings at school but seeing how I was coming home with unexplainable bruises and calls were being made by concerned teachers, it was inevitable for it to come up.  
  
"Seth..." Dad began, sitting at the edge of my bed, after telling me that we needed to talk. I was sure he'd found that tape I so cleverly hidden in The Little Mermaid movie case, but his body language told me otherwise.  
  
"You know that you can always talk to me and your mother if anything is ever bothering you, don't you?" Those big eyebrows of his furrowed, as his arm hung over my shoulder.  
  
"Yeah... of course." I was fairly confused, and I think Dad detected that in my prepubescent voice.  
  
He bit his lip at a loss of words, kind of like he did the first time I asked him where babies came from.  
  
"Listen..." He started, his teeth freeing his lower lip, "If anyone at school maybe, was ever giving you a hard time, I'd want to you to feel comfortable enough to let me know..."  
  
Oh... that.  
  
I wanted to shrug his arm off my shoulder, but I didn't. I just sat there and did what I did best. I played dumb.  
  
"I'd tell you, dad." I smiled up at him compellingly, and I think lying to him hurt him most. He nodded his head, and removed his arm from my shoulder. He stood up in front of me, leaned over, and kissed my forehead.  
  
"Dinner's almost ready." He told me, and left my room, shutting the door behind him.  
  
I sat there for a while, my stomach twisted with embarrassment. They both knew about the name calling and the frequent beatings. I felt almost so naked then.  
  
"Seth, dinner!!" Mom called, and I left my thoughts in the room as I jogged downstairs.  
  
I was hungry. Lately, I had been trying to cut back on food. I didn't tell my parents because I knew they'd protest.  
  
"What are we having?" I asked, as I entered the dinning room.  
  
"Spaghetti..." Mom told me, covering her mouth as she spoke, "I already served you." She added, nodding her head toward my plate.  
  
I sat down where she placed me and frowned at what I saw.  
  
My plate was small, and the portion she gave me was smaller. It was half of what I usually ate.  
  
I slowly picked up my folk, and leisurely ate my meal... if you could even call it that.  
  
I was done in minutes, and my eyes darted for the garlic bread. I took a rather big slice, and when I finished my hand went for another. The look on my mom's face stopped me. She almost had a look of disappointment. My hand recoiled, and I accidentally knocked over my cup of grape juice. It spilled all over my shirt and pants. I stood up quickly, and grabbed my napkin as if that really helped.  
  
"Shoot..." I shouted and hurriedly made my way back upstairs so I could change. As I entered my room, I went straight for the bathroom where I peeled off my drenched shirt, and went for the sink to wash up, but I stopped when I saw myself in the mirror. I held my breath, as I let the tips of my fingers trace the stretch marks forming at the sides of my stomach. I sighed, looking down, as tears begged to come out of my eyes.  
  
I was fat...  
  
I guess I still thought it was okay, because my parents hadn't made it into an issue. But after seeing that look on my mother's face, it was clear to me that Luke Ward was right all along.  
  
"I'm fat." I said for the first time in my life, and I made it real then.  
  
I was Heff Cohen, and I didn't want to be him anymore.  
  
I turned on the faucet, and let the cool water pour into my cupped hands. I brought them up, and splashed the water onto my face. I coughed, covering my eyes from the image in front of me.  
  
I didn't know what I could do. I could feel the pounds coming, and I didn't want that food in my stomach any second longer.  
  
I darted for the toilet, where I tried vigorously to throw up. I jammed my fingers down my throat as far as they could go, scrapping the back of my hand in the process. I was scared, and I couldn't believe this was me. I continued though, and as I went on it started to felt right. It was almost soothing, and I didn't want to stop.  
  
After I felt as though I had gotten everything out of my system, I felt lighter, and I felt better then I had in a long time. I went to the sink again, where I cupped my hands and took a sip to wash out my mouth. I turned the faucet off, and I left the bathroom where I changed my shirt. I sat on the floor, and preceded to do sit ups. I kept going until I was completely out of breath. I went to bed early that night and went to school the next day feeling like a new man.  
  
My name is Seth Cohen, and yesterday I became bulimic. 


	16. XVI

Somehow I managed to fall asleep right there on the curb. Sure, there was a mailbox for me to lean against and sure, I hadn't slept in god only knows how long but it seemed nearly impossible for a person to sleep while something like, oh, I don't know, a massive pile up was occurring right in front of them.  
  
I was dreaming of an earthquake and I was alone in the house. I ran outside to look for my family but the ground opens up and I fall through. I could barely breathe and it felt like my arms and legs were bonded together. I call out for help but my family can't hear me. As my eyes look down to see when I'd finally hit the ground, I see that I'm too late because the ground has already came up to me.  
  
I awakened with a loud fearfully gasp, my head snapped up, and my body struggled against a forceful hold. My wide eyes searched anxiously as if I were looking or something but I only find my father on his knees in front of me.  
  
"It's okay, buddy. You were dreaming. You were just dreaming, Seth." He tells me his voice squeaked awkwardly at the end when he said my name.  
  
"I know." I lie, and brush his hands away from my shoulders. I grab the mailbox to help me stand up, and cross my arms when I see that we have company. My eyes flicked to each of them.  
  
Jimmy Cooper was helping Marissa into the backseat of their car, while Julie yelled at an ambulance driver who was blocking the car in. To my surprise Ryan was standing next to dad, eyeing my worriedly, rather then making sure Marissa was okay.  
  
"Thank god, you're alight." Mom said almost in tears. Her arms reached out for me to come to her, but I just stood there, covering the side of my face with my hand, while taking in a much needed breath, and let my hand slide down my face.  
  
"Yeah..." I said, but I didn't mean it at all. I was shaking like a leaf.  
  
"Are you hurt?" Dad asks looking me over, his eyes stopping at the large blood stain on my pants.  
  
"Oh god- Medic!" He shouts, waving his arms for help.  
  
I grab for his gesturing arms, pulling them down with an authentic chuckle, "I-I'm fine. The "medics" already patched me up." I mock, and give him an odd look, "Who says Medic?"  
  
"Shut up." Dad says, placing his hand over his heart, "Don't you ever do that to me again." He says unsteadily. He looked so drained and scared, as he brought me into his arms. I try to pull away, but he just held me tighter.  
  
"I love you. Don't you ever leave us; do you understand me, do you?" He whispers into my ear. I feel another body join us, and I don't even have to look because I can already smell her.  
  
"Yeah... I understand" I laugh because I'm so uncomfortable. I manage to pull away from the group hug, so I could give him and mom a reassuring smirk.  
  
"Let's get you home." Mom says, running her fingers through my hair. Her other hand at the small of my back.  
  
Dad runs ahead of us, opening the backseat door for me. I just stood there, for some reason I couldn't move my feet. I was scared. The last place I wanted to be was in a car. How pathetic was that? Ryan wouldn't have been scared.  
  
"Let's go." Dad says, waiting for me.  
  
"Um...I-I..." I stutter trying to explain to them how weak I was. I look down, suddenly becoming very interested in my shoes.  
  
"What?" He asks confused, but stopped when mom shot him a look.  
  
Somehow she understood.  
  
"If you're okay to walk we'll just follow you home in the car, okay?" She tells me caringly, and I nod.  
  
Coward...  
  
"I'll walk with you, okay, Seth?" Ryan suggests, and I just nod again.  
  
Spineless...  
  
She hugs me again, and places a kiss on my temple, like she always does. She gives me one last look, and makes her way over to the car, guiding a very confused dad to the drivers' seat.  
  
"I'll be right back." Ryan tells me, and jogs over to Marissa. He kneels down in front of her at their car, takes her hands in his, and kisses her. They exchange words that I can't hear, he gives her another kiss, and he gets up. She moves her legs inside the car and he shuts the door. He then walks back to our car, after dad motions for him. They too exchange quiet Seth-must-not-hear words, and both cars finally drive off. I guess they decided not to follow us home like the secret service.  
  
Ryan bobs his head for me to come, and I obey.  
  
I felt like a fucking robot. Someone could tell me to stab my eyes out with a fork and I'd ask, "Dinner or Salad?"  
  
It's abnormally quiet as we approach our street.  
  
"Marissa said you were her hero." Ryan finally breaks the silence, and slows his pace for me to catch up.  
  
I let out a harsh laugh, and his head whips around to look at me, but he doesn't say anything. Not a word.  
  
He suddenly stops in front of me, blocking my way. I take a step to the left and he mimics me. I take a step to the right and he does it again.  
  
"What're doing?" I ask annoyed, and he just stands there.  
  
"Talk to me..." He says, and I don't think I've ever heard that kind of softness in his voice.  
  
"Okay?" I shake my head, acting as if I was confused, but I knew exactly what he meant. I try to walk around him, but he moves to block me again.  
  
"Ryan, stop."  
  
"No..." He begins, "not until you talk to me."  
  
"What-What do you want me to say?" My voice grows louder, and my body trembles even more.  
  
"I want you to tell me what's going on with you. I know it's more then just girl problems."  
  
Oh, how I wish I was Bruce Banner.  
  
My mind went blank, and I just yelled. I yelled it all.  
  
"Just girl problems, Ryan?! Just girl problems?!?!"  
  
And it begins...  
  
"Summer is NOT just a girl, okay!? I love her and she NEVER loved me back! Do you have any idea how that feels?! Huh?!" I push his chest, "They were fucking each other behind my back, Ryan! Luke Ward! How fucking perfect is that, huh?!"  
  
I laugh sadly, whirling around, my hands coming up to the sides of my head,  
  
"You know the funniest part through, Ryan?" A beat, "I don't blame her."  
  
Now this next part is where I fucked up. This next part is where I went too far.  
  
"Who would want a lardass like me?! God, I'm disgusting! How could she ever stand looking at me!? I'm just a big fat loser, right?" I cover my face, trying my hardest not to break now.  
  
I look back to Ryan. He's completely stunned.  
  
"Seth... what-what are you saying?"  
  
Now he called me Seth, but that's not what I heard.  
  
I swear to God that's not what I heard.  
  
"Seth, my name is Seth!" I scream, sending my fist straight at him.  
  
He grabbed me, and wrestled me to the ground.  
  
"Stop! Stop, Seth! Seth, stop it! Calm down." He shouts but all I hear is him calling me Heff. It's all I heard.  
  
"I said Seth!" I scream over and over, kicking my feet childishly.  
  
I did this until my voice started to give out, and my legs felt like steel.  
  
"I said Seth... I said Seth." I tell him very calmly now.  
  
His eyes met mine, and he whispered,  
  
"You said Seth." 


	17. XVII

I was a large shattered window, and Ryan Atwood had picked up every last piece- Even the finely sharp ones, the ones that cut you like butter.  
  
We almost acted as if nothing had happened as we entered the quiet house. Our heels clicked and echoed across the foyer like empty cathedrals, and I think we both heard our hearts pounding...or maybe I just heard mine.  
  
We head straight for the living room, departing from our side by side stride, as we made our way toward the couches. I sat on the long one on the middle cushion, while Ryan sat on the other near the left.  
  
I became fixated on my feet, as I tried to give him a decent explanation about the fit I just threw.  
  
"Ry-"  
  
But I cut myself off because he deserved more then that, and because I knew he wouldn't buy it anyway. Ryan wasn't dumb.  
  
"I'm-I'm sorry..." I tell him softly and I meant it, but he doesn't say a word.  
  
So we sit there, exchanging nothing but air and feet fascination.  
  
Silence could say so much, and that scared me most.  
  
I wondered what he thought of me now, and I wondered if he would understand, but I knew better. I hoped he would just come to the conclusion that I was simply off my fucking rocker, and none of which I had revealed boasted any ounce of truth, but I knew better about that too.  
  
I hear him let out a sigh and the couch he was occupying moans. I keep my eyes on my shoes, as he joins me on the couch, stealing the spot right next to me. Our weight sort of sends us into each other and our elbows bump.  
  
More silence...  
  
"You tried to punch me..." He said casually in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, while he nodded his head.  
  
"I know." I agree with remorse.  
  
His brows furrow, and I hear him inhale deeply, then slowly let out his air- filled cheeks.  
  
"I'm sorry." I say again, and I see his head nod once out of the corner of my eye.  
  
Just when I thought I was out of the woods, he suddenly asks,  
  
"So, what was that back there?" He asks just above a whisper, but it comes out surprisingly loud.  
  
"I don't know." But I did, and he knew that.  
  
Silence is such a tattle tale.  
  
"Can you tell me why you tried to punch me?" I can already sense his budding anger from a mile away.  
  
"I thought I heard you say something but I was- I must have... heard wrong." My eyes darted for the exit, then back to my shoes.  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
Christ, leave it alone...  
  
"I really don't want to talk about it..."  
  
"You tried to punch me- Learn to talk about it." He spat out harshly.  
  
I didn't understand why he was so mad. Sure, I may be bigger then him but none of it was muscle. I probably wouldn't have done any damage if I had punched him. I already told him I was sorry. This was absolute bullshit.  
  
I stood up from the couch, attempting to leave when his hand shoots up and he grabs my arm to stop me.  
  
"Let go of me, Ryan." I try to be stern but my voice breaks at the end.  
  
"Or what, Seth?" He stood, and used the hand he has clenched on my arm to turn me around so I would be facing him, "You're gonna hit me?"  
  
His patronizing wasn't helping at all. I just glared, and yanked my arm away from his hold.  
  
"I said I was sorry. Isn't that enough?"  
  
"No, it's not. You told me something back there and..." He shook his head, continuing, "I don't know what you meant. I want to know what you meant. I'm your friend, I-I want to help you."  
  
"Friends should know when to back off! If I don't want to talk, you should respect that."  
  
"Respect? Lately, you haven't been respectful to anyone of us. Why should we respect you when you don't respect us?"  
  
The heels of my hands came up to my eyes and I attempted to leave yet again, but he grabs my elbow, causing my cast to scrape against my temple. I spun my body around and I pushed him away from me hard.  
  
"Don't fucking touch me, Ryan!"  
  
He stumbles back, and just stands there.  
  
"What is going on with you, man?!"  
  
For some reason, I wanted him to get mad. I wanted him to hurt me. I'd rather have physical pain mask what was going on inside of me.  
  
"Come on, Chino!" I scream and shove him again, even harder this time, and he just takes it.  
  
It bothered me because if it were anyone else acting this way with him, he would have decked them in a second. Why should I be treated any differently? I wasn't delicate, I could handle myself.  
  
"I'm not going to hit you, Seth." He says evenly, and it only aggravates me even more.  
  
"Seth." I correct him out of habit, while I pace the living room floor.  
  
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He asks with puzzlement.  
  
"Where are my parents?" I question because I just realized that I hadn't seen them since we arrived.  
  
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He issues again, ignoring my question.  
  
I sounded hypnotized, as I tried to explain,  
  
"T-the kids at school... They-they used to call me, "He..."  
  
God, I couldn't even say it...  
  
"Heff." I blurt out, quickly clearing my throat almost trying to drown the word out. I shifted my weight, while my hands twisted at my shirt.  
  
"I don't understand." He says still not comprehending.  
  
How can he not understand?!  
  
Can't he see me?!  
  
"Where are mom and dad?"  
  
"They'll be back."  
  
Something was off... why wouldn't they be here?  
  
"Seth-"  
  
"But I heard wrong...right? Right, Ryan? You wouldn't call me that, would you?"  
  
He eyes me strangely.  
  
"You mean Heff?" he clarifies, and it rolled off his tongue so nicely like he had said it before.  
  
I felt like he had just punched me in the gut. I actually had a hard time catching my breath.  
  
"You heard wrong." He tells me firmly, while he nods significantly, and I just nod back.  
  
I shiver and fall back onto the couch with a sigh.  
  
It was so cold suddenly.  
  
Ryan slowly joined me on the couch.  
  
My stomach rumbles loudly, and Ryan definitely notices it.  
  
"You must be hungry." He said with a hidden smile.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap at the question unintentionally and Ryan definitely didn't expect that.  
  
"Non-."  
  
"I'll have something later, thanks."  
  
But later never seems to come... 


	18. XVIII

Mom and Dad were still No-shows, while Ryan and I were acting as if we were sitting on eggshells the entire time. I could barely keep my eyes open as we watched TV in silence.  
  
Full House was ironically on.  
  
Every other minute it seemed like one of us wanted to say something but we didn't.  
  
I stood up from the couch and proceeded to head for the bathroom.  
  
"Where are you going?" Ryan rushed and I just looked at him like he was insane.  
  
"I have to piss, okay?" I replied harshly.  
  
He glared at me, as I walked toward the downstairs bathroom. I really did have to pee. I had been living off water and Fruit Stripes gum for the past couple days.  
  
I didn't dare look at the mirror as I entered the bathroom, practically slamming the door behind me.  
  
After I was finished, I thought about simply not retreating back to the couch. Ryan was preoccupied with the unrealistic problems of the Tanner family so I had a clear path out now.  
  
I opened the door quietly and was about to sneak out, but stopped when I found Ryan waiting right outside the door.  
  
He quirked his eyebrow at me, and I dragged myself back to the couch, and he joined me.  
  
Mom and Dad had arrived minutes later.  
  
Ryan was found still watching Full House, whereas I had given in to sleep yet again. I couldn't figure out why I had been so tired lately.  
  
Anyway, I had the dream again. Only this time Ryan was there, just as I fell through the opening in the ground. He grabbed onto my hand, and desperately tried to pull me up but I was just too big for him. I pleaded for him to save me, but he just looked down at me sorrowfully. We both knew there was nothing he could do. He tried and tried but I was just too big. He whispered sorry, as he let go of both of my hands and I fell back into the darkness.  
  
"No." I uttered, waking myself up. I anxiously studied my dark surroundings, and for a moment there, I thought I was still in that unknown darkness from my dream.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye I could see light coming from the den and I could hear muffled talking coming from the same direction. I propped myself up off the couch, where I noticed Ryan's quilt was thrown over me. I smiled to myself, and made my way toward the voices. I approached the wall around the corner of the den, with caution, as I listened intensely to the person who was talking. It was Ryan.  
  
"...I feel like I'm betraying him in some way, but I just- I don't know what else to do..." He explained softly and my heart starting racing.  
  
"No, you're doing the right thing by coming to us, Ryan." Dad comforted him.  
  
Maybe they weren't talking about me...  
  
"I can't believe he tried to punch you." Mom stated with skepticism in her voice.  
  
Or not...  
  
"I know. I couldn't believe it either. He-he told me that he thought I had called him Heff."  
  
They knew then, and there was a silence.  
  
"What?" Ryan asked, noting the sudden hush of my parents.  
  
"I forgot... I can't believe I forgot." Dad said, letting out a sigh.  
  
The shit was about to hit the fan and I couldn't let that happen.  
  
"I don't understand" Ryan questioned.  
  
I had to stop them. I couldn't let them tell Ryan. He was too smart it would all come together and he would find out exactly what was going on with me.  
  
I knew what I had to do.  
  
I jogged back to the couch, where laid down, and covered myself with the blanket again. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and screamed at the top of my lungs until I was sure they had all come to see what was wrong.  
  
"Seth!" Dad shouted, and I shot my body up like I didn't know what was happening or where I was.  
  
"Dad?" I called out with confusion and when he reached me I buried my face into his shoulder and sobbed.  
  
"Shh... it's okay, buddy." He soothed, rubbing circles into my back, "We're here. We're here." I grabbed for Mom, and pulled her close to me.  
  
I continued this for a while, gradually "calming" myself down with the "aid of my parents' love"  
  
I was good... I was so good that I almost believed it myself.  
  
"I'm sorry..." I purposely struggled my planned out sentence with a shaky voice, "I didn't mean to scare you guys. I just... I had a really intense dream." I gulped and rested my head on Dad's shoulder, holding onto Mom's hand.  
  
"It's okay, baby." Mom consoled, kissing my hand in hers.  
  
I had learned to be quite the little actor over the years. Coming up with every imaginable bathroom excuse, and lying about my odd excessive exercise hours wasn't as easy as one would think.  
  
But throughout my brilliant performance, Ryan eyed me with cynicism. I realized then that if I was going to survive here with Backstabber McGee over there, I'd have to start flying right... or at least try my hardest to fake it.  
  
"I think I'm okay now." I gave them all a flawlessly empty smile and continued with my string of beautifully told lies, "I feel so stupid." I let out a small chuckle, and stood up from the couch.  
  
"Don't- We all have them, sweetie." Mom reassured, and went to kiss me on her regular spot, when she noticed the forming bruise from my cast.  
  
"What Happened?" Her voice rose, and she pulled me into the kitchen to get a better look.  
  
"Oh, um..." I began, and slowly nodded my head in the direction of Ryan.  
  
"Ryan..." Mom spoke up, turning to him, her hand still at my temple.  
  
"What? Kirsten, I didn't hit him." He told her firmly, but it came out almost guiltily, and that was exactly what I was counting on.  
  
"H-he didn't mean too" I jumped in, adding in just a touch of fear in my voice.  
  
I knew it was wrong, but I didn't what them believing a single word from his deceitful mouth. I had no idea what he had already told them while I was sleeping. So this was my way of making everything he said before seem totally fraudulent. I knew he was just trying to help but I wasn't worth any of it.  
  
They both eyeballed him, really thinking over what he had told them about their first born.  
  
I mean, it was all pretty unbelievable. I never got into any fights as a kid. I always got good grades, and always told the truth, and now I was this abusive kid? Who would believe that?  
  
Ryan shook his head in disbelief and I think he knew precisely what I did.  
  
"Guys..." I began, "Please, it was an accident. I didn't mean to make it seem like anything else, really." I clarified to the rents, and when the coast was clear I quirked a brow in Ryan's direction.  
  
They both nodded simultaneously, while Mom let her arm drop to her side, and Dad shifted his weight from side to side.  
  
Everyone was tense, angry, and confused. We all just stood around for a moment, not knowing exactly what came next.  
  
"So..." Dad spoke up, clearing his throat,  
  
"Take out?" 


	19. XVIIII

Mom and Dad had left Ryan and me at home yet again, while they got dinner. They offered for us to come along but I still felt uneasy about the car, and Mom still understood.  
  
So Ryan and I stayed behind and sat on the eggshells again.  
  
I was a little scared about being alone with him... seeing how I had made him look like a liar and manhandler.  
  
I lounged back into the couch, as if I had no cares in the world.  
  
"What did you dream about?" Ryan asked out of nowhere.  
  
"It's personal."  
  
And, he let out a loud chuckle.  
  
"What?" I shot back, and he just kept watching TV as if he didn't hear me at all.  
  
"What?!" I asked again, leaning over to him, and grabbing him by the collar.  
  
"I don't think you want to do that." He told me through clenched teeth.  
  
"Oh?" I narrowed my eyes, and teasingly yanked his collar, "And why is that, Ryan?"  
  
Before anything could go beyond that, the front door was heard opening by both of us. I gave him one last glare, and harshly let go of his collar, leaning back into the couch like nothing had happened.  
  
"We got Chinese!" Mom shouted cheerfully, holding a couple of white plastic bags stacked with Styrofoam containers.  
  
"Great!" I smiled to her, getting up from the couch, and making my way to the dinning room.  
  
We all grabbed our plates, cups, and eating utensils, and took seats at our regular spots.  
  
I once heard that after a near-death experience you're hungry...  
  
Either that was true, or I was just hungry as it was.  
  
Mom had served me along with everyone else, and they all dug in, while I just sat there, rearranging the food on my plate.  
  
"You're not hungry, baby?" Mom questioned worriedly.  
  
Maybe she heard that theory too...  
  
"No, no, I am." I perked up, twisting my fork into my bowl of Chow Mein, while shooting her a reassuring smile.  
  
Fly right, Seth. Fly right.  
  
Throughout dinner Dad was virtually mute, Ryan's eyes burned into me, and Mom seemed to be admiring me like a saint. I, on the other hand, cleverly spat out chewed food into my napkin.  
  
I got real good at that maneuver...  
  
Oh, the deception...  
  
"So..." I cleared my throat, placing my elbow on the table, "where were you guys?" I eyed my parents, while twirling my fork between my fingers.  
  
They both tensed up a bit, only making me more suspicious of their whereabouts.  
  
"We went to get food, Seth." Dad replied with his mouth full.  
  
"No, I mean earlier...when we got home you weren't here. Where were you?"  
  
A beat...  
  
"Errands, baby." Mom answered.  
  
"Errands..." I repeated with disbelief, and Mom just nodded in response.  
  
"You had to run errands after I was in a car accident?" I began sarcastically and it didn't stop there, "You had to run errands after I watched people die?"  
  
That was a lie...  
  
How I loved to make them feel guilt.  
  
"Errands... Yes, I can see how that would be really important." My eye twitched as my parents exchanged looks.  
  
"No one died, Seth..." Ryan suddenly said, correcting me, "They talked about it on the news and they said no one was severally injured... or killed."  
  
How I hated Ryan Atwood.  
  
I squeezed my fork, making my knuckles as white as I'm sure my complexion was. Mom and Dad exchanged a look again... this time it was disappointment and that hurt.  
  
"Oh..." I grinned, rising my eyebrows, "Well, that's good."  
  
They knew I was a liar then, and I couldn't help but think that they were all against me now.  
  
Maybe it was the blood loss from earlier or the starvation, or maybe it was the truth coming out only to bite me on the ass but I suddenly felt faint. I reached out for my cup, thinking that a nice good swig would help, but I just ended up spilling the water all over myself.  
  
I shut my eyes, and in that moment, I was thirteen again, and it knocked me over like a massive tile wave.  
  
I dropped the fork and it chipped the China.  
  
"Seth..." Dad began, and I just raised my hand, implying that I was fine.  
  
"I'm so clumsy." I said emotionless after a moment, while my bloodshot eyes jumped to each of them. I stood up from the chair, hitting the corner of the table hard with my hip, as I scurried off toward the stairs.  
  
I ran up to my room, where I locked the door behind me. I slowly pulled my shirt off, and slipped out of my pants. I stood in the middle of my room, hesitantly looking into the dark bathroom. I gulped, and made my way inside, flipping on the switch. I winced when the bathroom lit up, causing me to face the image before me.  
  
My breathing picked up...  
  
I was in complete shock of the boy in the mirror...  
  
He was even bigger then I had imagined.  
  
My god, how can he even sit in chairs?  
  
But wait... that boy was me...  
  
I shook my head in disbelief.  
  
No...  
  
What was I doing wrong?!  
  
My eyes darted to Ralph. I was angry with him. I was so angry with him. He was supposed to be my friend, but he was just like the others.  
  
"You're a fucking Twoface!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, and with both hands I cleared everything that was on the counter of the sink at him.  
  
Breathing heavily, I looked back at the mirror, and I could have sworn I heard it laugh. My eyes searched the reflection, only making my eyes focus at my gut and all the ugly stretch marks it came with. My eyes watered, and I bent over quickly, taking the scale off the floor and heaving it into the mirror. Satisfied with its shatter, I left the bathroom, where I threw down my computer chair that was occupied with dirty laundry and plates deliberately empty for no suspicion could arise.  
  
I turned on the TV, when I heard feet stomping up the stairs. I turned the volume up, covered my ears, shut my eyes, and paced my bedroom floor.  
  
"Everything's fine!!" I shouted tearfully, holding my head in my hands.  
  
It was all over now.  
  
What was I going to do?  
  
I greeted the lump that formed in my throat, as I sobbed childishly.  
  
God, I was pathetic.  
  
"Open this door, Seth!!!" Dad ordered, and pounded on the door, only making me feel even more panicked.  
  
I had to get out of there.  
  
But how?  
  
My eyes lit up, and I dashed for the window, where I opened it up and used my hands to pop off the screen. I hopped onto the ledge, ready to leap out when I realized how insane it that was.  
  
"What am I doing?" I asked myself logically, and I was about to step down, when my door busted open, startling me.  
  
I gasped, as I felt my hands slip and my body fell forward out of the window. I desperately tried to grab onto something... but there was nothing to stop me from falling.  
  
I faintly heard the screams of my family, as my body met the ground. 


	20. XX

Okay, so I didn't exactly hit the ground. More like the ground and some bushes. Okay, more like the bushes, but it still hurt from the way I landed, and being half naked didn't make it feel any better.  
  
As I fell I think I did a flip and ended up kind of on my butt, smacking my head on something in the process, temporality knocking me out.  
  
This time instead of dreaming about running out and falling through an opening in the ground again, I dreamt the continuation of that. I was now in the darkness, lying flat on my bare stomach, pressing against the cold floor. I pushed myself up and called out for help. It was freezing and by the echo it seemed to be hollow. For some reason, I knew that there was a switch somewhere. Using my hands, I searched along the wall until I came across it. I hesitantly flipped the switch and slowly turned around to face whatever evils lurking. As I took in my surroundings I realized that the darkness wasn't what I expected. I found myself standing in my bathroom. I didn't understand.  
  
I awoke, immediately greeted with the stench of leafs, countless bruises & scrapes, a possible dislocated shoulder, and complete confusion with my dream.  
  
"Seth!" I suddenly heard my name called from afar.  
  
I tried to say something but it came out in a whisper, and even if it had come out louder I really didn't know what I was saying anyway. I didn't want to move in fear of making any other injures apparent, but I'd have to in order to make my escape.  
  
"Ryan, call 911!" I heard Mom yell.  
  
Slowly, I rose to my feet where I noticed that I had on but one shoe. I scoffed to myself, and stumbled out of the dark bushes in a daze.  
  
"Seth!" Someone called but I couldn't make out who it was, my head was in a whirl.  
  
I brought up my hand to scratch the side of my head where it had been itching, and when I felt a wet substance I had a good idea of what it was. I peered down at the tips of my fingers and saw that they were red with blood.  
  
Still looking down, I became aware of my lack of clothes. Using my arms, I covered my battered body, and jogged toward the side of the house.  
  
"Seth? Seth, come back there! You're hurt!" I heard Dad shout, but I just kept going.  
  
I stopped at the back fence, quickly thinking of where to go from there. With my adrenaline running high, I jumped the fence, and leaped into Marissa's yard. I dashed toward the backdoor and was pleasantly surprised when I found that it was open. I slipped inside, shutting the door very quietly behind me.  
  
What was I doing?  
  
What the hell was I doing?  
  
I bit my lip, holding my head in my hands.  
  
I had to get out of there.  
  
Just as I was about to leave, I heard a noise coming from the stairs and I quickly dove into the nearest room which turned out to be the den. I rolled underneath the table where I held my breath and preyed to God that I wouldn't get caught.  
  
"Mom, I'll be fine. I'll have Summer come over, so I won't be alone, okay?" A female voice explained.  
  
It was Marissa.  
  
"Darling, are you absolutely sure?" Julie asked, but she didn't sound all that genuine.  
  
"Yes. Go."  
  
"Alright, you know my cell number." She said simply, and I heard the door open and close.  
  
I crawled out from underneath the table, slowly rising to my feet. I pressed my body up against the wall, wincing at the coldness.  
  
I had no idea what I was doing  
  
I itched my way into the kitchen, ducking behind the island in the middle. I started waddling my way toward the backdoor again until I heard a noise coming my way. Knowing I would get caught anyway, I panicked and popped out from behind the counter.  
  
To my surprise it wasn't Marissa.  
  
"Um, hi." I offered to the maid discomfited with an awkward smile and she simply screamed in Spanish.  
  
"Miss. Mad-issa!" She shouted petrified, "911, 911!"  
  
"No, no, no, no!" I held my hands up just as Marissa came running in.  
  
"Marissa, please tell her I'm not a robber." I told her, bending my knees so just my head and neck were showing.  
  
"Seth, what the hell?" She looked mortified, "God, you're bleeding" Her brows furrowed with concern. After a moment she turned to her maid, "Pilar, its okay." She reassured the horrified older woman, "¿Puede usted darnos un minuto?" She asked her in Spanish, and Pilar left the kitchen.  
  
"You didn't tell her to call the police, did you?" I asked anxiously.  
  
"No" She said almost annoyed, placing her hands on her hips, "What are you doing in here?" She looked at me a little closer, her eyes widening a tad, "Are you naked?"  
  
"Not really." I explained, resting my head on the counter.  
  
There was a silence before she said anything else.  
  
"Hang on..." She began, letting out a sigh, "Let me get you some of my dad's clothes..."  
  
"Thanks" I told her, picking my head up off the counter.  
  
"I'll be right back." She said and began to walk away.  
  
"Marissa?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Don't call anyone, okay? I don't want anyone to know I'm here... please"  
  
She looked at me hard, finally nodding her head in agreement after a long pause.  
  
She was back in a flash, tossing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt over to me, I slipped them on and slowly came around the island to meet her.  
  
"What happened?" She asked, dragging me by the arm over to a chair, sitting me down.  
  
"It's a really long story..." I told her, yelping when a cloth of alcohol stung the cut on my forehead.  
  
She didn't say anything as she placed a bandage over the cut.  
  
She stepped in front of me, crossing her arms.  
  
"What's going on with you lately?"  
  
"Nothing"  
  
"Nothing?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Listen, if you're gonna hide out here I suggest you don't lie to me."  
  
"I-I'm not."  
  
She opened her mouth about to say something when the doorbell rang. We looked at each other with wide eyes because we both had a good idea of who was waiting outside that door.  
  
The doorbell rang again, and I pleaded to her with my eyes.  
  
"Hide" She said, and made her way to the door.  
  
I quickly retreated back to the den, where I slid underneath the table yet again.  
  
I heard the door open and Marissa greet the visitor like there wasn't a care in the world.  
  
"Hey, Mr. Cohen"  
  
"Marissa, honey, is Seth here?" He asked out of breath.  
  
"No..." She began, "Is everything okay?"  
  
She was good...  
  
"I hope... I-I don't know. I think he's hurt pretty bad. He fell out of his window." He explained.  
  
"Oh my god." She said and she meant it.  
  
"If you hear from him or-or see him, please let us know, alright?"  
  
"Yeah, of course. Of course, I will."  
  
She sounded so sincere. That girl was better then I thought.  
  
"I'll keep an eye out, okay?" She told him sweetly.  
  
"Thanks"  
  
She closed the door, and mumbled, "I'm going to hell..." under her breath.  
  
I slowly crawled out of the table, meeting her back in the kitchen.  
  
She looked mad.  
  
"I'm sorry," I told her.  
  
"You're just lucky it wasn't Ryan." She said arms folded across her stomach, "I can't believe I just lied to your dad like that..." She shook her head, looking down for a few moments, "Are you hurt?" She asked looking up at me.  
  
"Not really, just my shoulder, I guess."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Alright, just... hang out here for a little, I guess. My mom will be back later so you can't stay here all night..." She stopped, wiping her face, "God, what am I doing?"  
  
"Being there for me?"  
  
She smirked, tilting her head at me,  
  
"Right..." 


	21. XXI

We made our way into the living room where we sat on opposite sides of the couch.  
  
Other then the barely audible Latin music coming from the laundry room, it was rather quiet.  
  
"He seemed really worried about you." She said suddenly her voice steady like she was repeating words coming from an earpiece.  
  
I just nodded to her.  
  
Honestly, I could careless about how he felt or how Ryan felt... or even how my Mother felt.  
  
I brought my legs up to my chest, and rested my head onto my knees, still facing her.  
  
"You only have one shoe on." She pointed out.  
  
"It must have fallen off on the way down..." I said with a small laugh.  
  
She didn't seem to think it was funny.  
  
I cleared my throat, and set my feet back down onto the floor.  
  
"Did you try to kill yourself?" She abruptly asked me in a serious tone.  
  
Forgetting she had once tried to take her own life only a few months ago, I let out a genuine chuckle.  
  
"No, I'd be much more creative."  
  
I remembered pretty quickly from the look she gave me.  
  
"Sorry" I said quietly, briefly looking down at my lack of shoe.  
  
And then it was her turn to nod back meaninglessly.  
  
"I really think you need to go home, Seth." She said gently, her posture was perfect as she spoke.  
  
"Why?" I asked indifferently, lavishly letting my body sink into the leather couch.  
  
There was a small period of silence before she spoke.  
  
"Where did you go?" She asked rhetorically with this harsh tone.  
  
"What?" I leaned forward, turning to her, eyes glaring.  
  
"You aren't who you used to be..." She said shaking her head sadly.  
  
"Who I used to be?" I began, rising from the couch, "Marissa, you don't know me enough to make that kind of assumption," I told her forcefully, standing at my full height.  
  
"God, you're so selfish!" She screamed at me, shooting up from the couch.  
  
Where did that come from?  
  
"Excuse me?" I whirled around to look at her, with tightened fists.  
  
I always wondered why people asked that when they heard it in the first place, but it just seemed necessary in this situation.  
  
"I said you're selfish." She repeated firmly, eyes as hard as stone.  
  
I suddenly regretted going there at all.  
  
"What do you know?!" I spat back, and her head kind of jerked at my volume.  
  
"I know that everyone is worried about you and you don't even care! I can't believe I lied for you!" She wasn't mad. She was hurt because in a sense, I used her, and she knew that now.  
  
"There's nothing to be worried about! Everything is fine!" I yelled back, my voice practically breaking at the end.  
  
"Fine!? Seth, you aren't fine! Everything isn't fine! Have you looked at yourself lately? Jesus Christ, you're fading away!" She let out, matching my volume.  
  
I didn't want to hear that.  
  
I swallowed hard, trying not to let my face crumble by her words.  
  
"You don't know anything." I said to her just above a whisper. My eyes sharp and my body stiff as a board.  
  
"I don't know everything..." She began calmly, "but I recognize the behavior you're showing me right now." She threatened, pressing her lips tightly together.  
  
She was full of shit.  
  
I let out an ugly laugh, smiling at her evilly.  
  
"Enlighten me, Marissa." I mocked, still smirking at her like a bastard. I took a big step toward her, throwing my arms out, welcoming her response.  
  
In one swift move she snatched my wrist, twisting it so the back of my hand was showing. "I'm not blind, Seth!" She screamed; bringing my hand up so I would see the scraping and bruising on my knuckles from purging, "What's this, huh?! I'm not stupid, okay?! Everyone else doesn't get it, but I do!" I tried to pull away but I was suddenly very weak. She let go of my hand, and my body fell to the floor in defeat. I was close to tears but I didn't cry. "No..." I said maybe three for four times, covering my ears, and shutting my eyes. I could feel her hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down and I could hear her muffled voice saying something too but I couldn't hear. I didn't want to hear. Then suddenly her voice was gone and her hands stopped soothing. I pulled my hands away from my eyes to see her making her way toward the kitchen.  
  
"What're you doing?" I questioned nervously, scrambling onto my feet.  
  
"I'm calling your Dad." She said simply, and picked up the phone.  
  
"NO!" I shouted, rushing over to her, "You can't!"  
  
She had already started dialing a number when I knocked the phone out of her hands.  
  
It was like I had no control of what I was doing.  
  
"Seth!" She screamed fearfully, and tried to grab for the dangling phone but I got it first and pulled the cord out of the phone jack, throwing the whole thing across the kitchen.  
  
I'll never forget the expression on Marissa's face when I looked at her, like I was this monster.  
  
She started crying, and I think through her tears and Pilar's frantic Spanish rambling I heard her cry out for Ryan.  
  
I gulped, softening my eyes at her. I was breathing so hard and I think I was shaking too.  
  
"T-thanks for the clothes..." I told her robotically, and left her house through the front door.  
  
With my arms wrapped around myself loosely, I fast-walked down her yard and onto the street, where I walked in the opposite way of my house.  
  
The sun was coming down, and the wind blew ever-so-softly onto my face. It would be dark soon.  
  
I turned at random corners, purposely trying to get myself lost.  
  
She would tell them now. That... I knew.  
  
It felt like that dream you have where you go to school naked and everyone laughs only it was worse. It was like having every page of your diary was passed out all over Newport.  
  
But I wasn't scared or worried I was numb.  
  
Eventually, I ended up at the intersection, where cars were still being hauled off and some building repairs were being made.  
  
I approached the Caution tape, and saw that Marissa's car was still there. Something caught my eye on the ground a few feet away from me and without hesitation I pulled up the yellow tape and ducked underneath.  
  
I took about five steps and crouched down to examine the object. It was the Rosary I had given to the pregnant women earlier. I lowered my eyes, and stood up.  
  
I immediately felt dizzy and I became aware of how empty my stomach really was. My mouth was dry and it was cold.  
  
I walked over to the curb, where I virtually collapsed.  
  
The man from earlier, the one who wasn't greedy with the alcohol came up to me.  
  
"You alright, boy?" He asked just like before, and it made me laugh uncontrollably.  
  
He furrowed his bushy eyebrows at me and waved for a paramedic to come.  
  
"No, I'm fine..."I began still kind of caught in my giggle fit.  
  
I stood up and maybe I had done it just a little too fast because I didn't exactly get to finish my sentence.  
  
The world around me spun violently and before I knew it the ground had rushed up to met me. 


	22. XXII

I woke up feeling like someone had just dropped a bucket of ice water all over me. I was covered in sweat and I had this feeling of sheer disorder of where I was and what had happened for me to get there, and not to mention I had to piss like a race horse. Apparently, I was really dehydrated when they brought me in.  
  
I had been refusing to give them my name or even talk for the past thirty minutes but rumor has it that my parents had immediately put out my description to all the nearby hospitals so they already had a good idea of who I was.  
  
My family had arrived about 10 minutes ago but I was turning down their requests to see me.  
  
They tried sending in this hip young doctor that could "relate" to me enough to get me to spill the beans.  
  
He had one leg up on a chair like some lame presidential campaign, with one hand on his stethoscope and the other rubbing at his knee.  
  
He cocked a brow at me while tilting his head to the left. He put on a fake smile, as he let his stethoscope drop back to his chest.  
  
"Why won't you talk?"  
  
I couldn't help but let out a dry laugh. He deserved it and he knew that he did.  
  
He let out of a heavy sigh, removing his leg from the chair.  
  
"Listen kid..."He began, dragging the chair over to the side of my bed, "It's my first day..." He spoke softly as his chin rested on the back of the chair and I just knew he was about to go into his sob story.  
  
When I didn't show any sign of sympathy he just lowered his eyes and ran a shaky hand down his face. He looked completely worn out like he hadn't slept in days.  
  
I felt disgustingly full like I had just been to a great fest. It was almost hard to breathe.  
  
"Why do I feel so full?" I asked with a rough voice and his head practically shot up in amazement. He quickly regained his cool though, submerging back into the chair.  
  
"We had to tube feed you." He explained, never taking his eyes off me.  
  
I hated that...  
  
I just looked down, suddenly very interested in my blanket. I was running the tip of my finger down the stitching when he cleared his throat to get my attention.  
  
"Does that bother you?" He asked curiously, searching my face for any kind of reaction.  
  
I automatically opened my mouth about to give an answer when I realized talking wouldn't really do me any good. I closed my mouth and rested back on my many pillows.  
  
"There are a lot of people worried about you."  
  
"You don't know shit" I spat back, leaning forward from my bed and when his eyes met mine I saw my reflection in them. I looked closer; bring a bony pale hand to my sucked-of-life face.  
  
"What?" He asked, looking away to examine himself and when his eyes peered back into mine, the image I had seen was gone.  
  
I just shook my head a couple times and fell back onto the bed, turning on my side so my back was facing him.  
  
"So your name is Seth, right?" He asked me but I quickly went back to being reticent again. I regretted opening my mouth at all.  
  
"I have a cousin named Seth..." He informed me like it was something very interesting.  
  
After a moment of silence on both ends, I heard him sigh and the chair he sat in creaked.  
  
For some reason I was trembling and no matter how hard I tried to lie still I just shouldn't stop. I flipped my body over so I was on my back again and out of the corner of my eye I saw that he wasn't at the side of my bed anymore.  
  
Curious, as to where he was I searched the room. It was dark and that made me remember my dream from before, only causing me to become conscious of my how full stomach was. My mouth watered and I felt very uneasy.  
  
It _had_ to go...  
  
"I'm gonna puke!" I shouted out to the room, not knowing where the doctor was hiding.  
  
The door opened and a silhouette appeared in the doorframe.  
  
"Are you getting me a bucket of some sort?" I asked crudely like I was a rich snob, while pitching the bridge of my nose with my eyes closed.  
  
The door closed and I heard his heavy footsteps getting closer.  
  
"Well?" I questioned pretentiously, as I propped myself up onto my elbows but it wasn't the doctor I was looking to now.  
  
"You're not supposed to be in here..." I said firmly, my fists tightening.  
  
"Just hear me out..." Ryan pleaded, holding up his hands like he was surrendering.  
  
"Get out, Ryan!" I shouted, my eyes never leaving him.  
  
"Please, just talk to me!" He begged and for a split second the water in his eyes glistened when the light from the lamp hit them just right.  
  
I could see in his eyes that he knew everything. Like I predicted, Marissa had told and I was ashamed. I studied him. His thumbs twiddled and his body was stiff.  
  
Ryan Atwood was on the verge of tears but that didn't stop me, no, it didn't.  
  
"You're not everyone's hero, Ryan..." I began steadily; my throat ached from holding back tears "Fuck... off"  
  
His lips were tight and I could see his jaw muscle was throbbing. I wanted him to hate me so he would stop caring. I wasn't worth it. Why couldn't anyone see that?  
  
"Bad habits don't die..." I began blankly "they just hibernate." I twisted my lips around to form some sort of sick grin.  
  
He just stood there, gawking at me. I didn't like when people stared.  
  
"Didn't you hear me?!" I screamed, gripping the blanket so tightly my knuckled turned white "I said fuck off, y-you worthless piece of trash!" I struggled to hurt him; my voice was breaking in and out.  
  
"You don't mean that..." He replied quickly, shaking his head no, "I can see it in your eyes that you don't mean it..." He look a step forward, "Look at you... you're shaking"  
  
He was right- I didn't mean it and I _was_ shaking.  
  
Why was he making this so hard?  
  
I put my true emotions in check and went into actor mode.  
  
"You keep telling yourself that, Ryan," I taunted, bring my entwined fingers to the back of my head "Tell yourself it's just the disease." I giggled cruelly, making myself cozy in my bed.  
  
I kept my eyes on him, casually like I didn't really care what his reaction was, but I did. He wasn't giving me much though. His thumbs were still twiddling away, and his body remained hard.  
  
"I love you," He said simply and honestly. He watched me for a moment and then turned on his heels and left the room.  
  
I sucked in a quick breath, slowly letting it out like smooth tobacco smoke.  
  
His words kept running through my mind like the way food did and I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, but I didn't.  
  
I crawled under the covers and drifted off to sleep. 


	23. XXIII

I don't know what kind of drug they put in my drip but whatever it was gave me some tripped out freaky dreams.  
  
I was a party not a cool Newport party where everyone is having sex and doing drugs but a kid's party with the clown, bouncy room, and colorful decorations. I was seven and standing alone at the punch bowl when out of nowhere a piece of cake hit the side of my face. Having done nothing to provoke anyone, I quickly spun around to meet my attacker but as I faced him, it was dark and I wasn't seven anymore.  
  
I was looking at a door about five inches away from me. I reached out to grab the doorknob, slowly rotating it counterclockwise. Hearing the lock click, I pushed the door open where several feet away from me stood my family, staring at me. I thought maybe they weren't looking at me but something or someone behind me. I turned around only to see myself. I was looking in a mirror. As I took in my surroundings I realized I was standing in the doorframe of my bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them start to leave.  
  
_"Wait!"_ I shouted to them, turning around quickly but they were already gone.  
  
_"Don't leave me!"_ I called out desperately but they didn't hear.  
  
I woke myself up by the sound of my own voice, shouting.  
  
I could barely catch my breath. I sat up swiftly, immediately spotting my parents looking terrified at the side of my bed.  
  
"Shh, you're okay now, baby. We won't leave you." Mom soothed, reaching out to tousle the Jew fro but I slapped her hand away.  
  
"Seth!" Dad shouted angrily out of habit, flying up from his chair.  
  
As he towered over me I involuntarily closed my eyes and flinched like an amused puppy expecting a smack from its owner.  
  
When nothing happened, I popped an eye open only to find mom's slightly reddened hand hovering exactly where it had stopped after I swept it aside. Dad was breathing heavily, standing quite still.  
  
Mom grabbed for my hand despite my trying to pull away. She sobbed freely now. I always thought she looked very old when she cried. So I let her hold my hand. I didn't squeeze back and I didn't talk. I didn't even look at her or Dad.  
  
"Tell us what to do..." Dad ordered quietly, while he slowly seated himself. His eyes were pleading and he was shaking.  
  
I knew exactly what he meant by that but I didn't know what to say to him.  
  
"Tell us what to do..." He begged again with a shaky voice, his hand reached up to clasp my forearm lightly.  
  
And, I didn't pull away from him but I wouldn't talk. I honestly don't think I could have even if I wanted to.  
  
I looked down to my free hand resting on my lap. I brought it up slightly, examining my fingernails. They looked as delicate as flower pedals. My eyes lowered to my calloused knuckles and I remembered Marissa but for some reason I didn't hate her. I wanted to, believe me, but I didn't.  
  
There was a knock at the door and within seconds a candy stripper, popped her head inside.  
  
"Sorry to bother you, Mr. & Mrs. Cohen, but the doctor is ready to see Seth now," She said in an annoying valley girl voice, and then she was gone.  
  
Mom wiped her eyes, and Dad stood up to greet the doctor as he entered the room.  
  
He was in his mid-forties, with salt and pepper hair and he wore a sweater vest because apparently, his chest was only cold.  
  
In a deep doctor-like voice he explained to my parents that he wanted to speak with me alone. They put up a fight, of course but untimely left the room for us to chitchat.  
  
Honestly, the whole evaluation was a blur. That's what it was, an evaluation, even though it wasn't said. I answered most of his questions honestly. The easy ones that didn't exactly recount about my "problems"  
  
I don't recall all of what he said but a few things did stick out.  
  
"Do you think you need to be on a diet, Seth?" He asked as if he didn't already know what I was going to say.  
  
When did people get so blind?  
  
When I didn't answer right away he just solicited another question.  
  
"Seth, do you know what anorexia is?" He asked me like I were a child.  
  
"I'm too fat to be anorexic."  
  
He nodded but not in agreement just a nod and then he scribbled something down on a pad of paper with furrowed brows. After a moment, he rested his notebook and pencil onto his lap and thoughtfully looked to me.  
  
I never forget what he said to me next... never.  
  
"The mirror lies, Seth."  
  
And now I was alone again. The humming from the light above me was my only companion.  
  
I was tired but I couldn't sleep.  
  
I kept thinking about Ryan and my mom and my dad and Summer and Anna and Marissa. They were all hurting because of me.  
  
A gentle rapping was heard at the door and I quickly shut my eyes. Heels clicked there way toward me and the empty chair alongside my bed was filled again. A cold soft hand made its way into mine. It gave a quick squeeze and slipped away but they didn't leave.  
  
A part of me wanted to play dead but I wasn't that wicked.  
  
My eyes fluttered open and I turned to a certain dirty blonde girl at my side.  
  
She gave me a sideways glance with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.  
  
"Hey..." Marissa offered amiably.  
  
"Hey"  
  
"You're talking again?" She asked sarcastically with wide eyes.  
  
I shrugged my shoulders, peering up at the ceiling.  
  
"7th grade..." She began, briefly gazing to my monitor, "They all thought I was perfect and beautiful but it was a lie." She nodded sadly, twisting the promise ring Ryan had given her a few weeks ago on her middle finger.  
  
_"Hungry for anorexia"_ She quoted jokingly but it wasn't funny to her.  
  
"You know, I couldn't talk about it either...face-to-face." She started, "My mom basically shipped me off to a therapist, not exactly knowing what I was going through but just that I wasn't acting like _myself_ lately..." She unnecessarily cleared her throat and squirmed in her seat, "Her name was Dr. Roe and when I wouldn't talk she suggested that I write a letter... to my mom, explaining everything. She said it would give me the chance to review and get in everything that I had to say so I wouldn't forget anything."  
  
She stood from the chair and slowly her arm extended out to lay a black book with a matching pen fastened at the side onto my chest. She nodded once and walked off. She was at the door when she turned around.  
  
"Look inside, someone left something for you." She told me, grasping the handle.  
  
I opened the book and out flew a pink folded letter. I knew it was from Summer because it smelt like her. I snatched it from my thigh where I held it between my fingers. My eyes shifted back to Marissa, where she was smirking knowingly. She then opened the door and left the room.  
  
I unfolded the letter where it contained but four words.  
  
_I love you, Cohen.  
_  
I smiled to myself and slipped it back into the notebook. I detached the pen and open the book to the first blank page.  
  
How could I cram 16 years into this book?  
  
How could I begin something so detailed and vital?  
  
I popped the cap off, placed the pen to paper and wrote:  
  
"I still don't know how it all got so out of control. It was like any ordinary day..."  
  
[ f i n ] 


End file.
